41 thoughts I had while watching The Covenant

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Nov 20, 2017, 12:44 PM EST (Updated)
Until today, I'd never seen The Covenant before. I semi-knew about it, and by semi, I mean I asked my fellow FANGRRLS, "Is that the boy werewolf movie?" Fun fact: It is not a boy werewolf movie. It's a boy WITCH movie. And it is GLORIOUS. Not in a good way -- please do not mistake me and think this is in any way a good movie. But it is tremendous. And here are a few of the millions and millions of thoughts I had while viewing this work of homoerotic majesty.
1. Oh my god what is this font and this outer glow and this stroke, it’s like they just learned all the wonders Photoshop’s layer styles has to offer.
2. This is a very aggressive opening theme song. I’m feeling very attacked by music and pictures. It’s like the Buffy opening credits drank six Monster Energy drinks and an Axe Body Spray chaser.
3. We are not even six minutes in and we’ve had like a full summer’s worth of exposition, class warfare and projectile vomiting.


4. And now a police chase. This movie is very busy and trying very hard to be exciting, except for everyone is acting like they drank a Costco gallon of cough medicine.

5. The coven boys just drove over a cliff and the cops are looking down certain they couldn’t have made it but they can’t see them below, and it’s basically a shot-for-shot remake of Grease 2. But none of these guys are cool riders.

6. Delivering exposition isn’t easy for any movie but this movie is coughing it up on us like hairballs. “These powers that you and your friends developed when you were 13 years old…” CHILL DELIVERY, SCARY MOM HANGING OUT IN HEMINGWAY’S BEDROOM.

7. I hope Blonde Girl’s tattoos have some kind of narrative purpose because damn that’s a lot of screen time spent on the 98 Degrees-iest tattoos ever.


8. Between this, City of Angels, and Final Destination 2 the late ‘90s and early 2000s were really trying to make “log trucks but spooky” happen.

9. Ever notice that thing in movies where people describe going to see “that new Brad Pitt movie” because that is a thing no one does in real life. It’s up there with “scared face washing.”

10. Yes because all women love a guy who asks “do you wanna shower or change first?” before taking her somewhere.

11. For as into exposition as this movie is, I have absolutely no idea who Sebastian Stan is or why he’s always around. He and Blonde Girl are transfers but her transfer came with A MESSAGE ABOUT CLASSISM and his just, like, nothing.

12. They’re using their powers for upskirting young women and saying things like “she hasn’t worn panties since she was 12.” These are our heroes. Neat.


13. Female character A: “We’re sitting here watching them have fun.” Female character B: "That's just what girls do." This whole scene is neat.

14. Nameless jock boy with over-gelled Eddie Vedder hair just pouts the whole movie and incites pouty fights.


15. I think I’m starting to figure out what’s happening—a bunch of Abercrombie and Fitch bags came to life and got magic powers.

16. This movie just had a spider go up Tabitha from Gotham’s nose and lay eggs in her forehead that exploded with spider babies so honestly this movie’s pretty OK.

17. The bad blond boy witch person looks like Draco Malfoy going through his Something Corporate phase and I hate him.


18. There’s a locker room scene in this movie that’s just a parade of boy butts, Sebastian Stan punching someone and then a laugh-filled buddy cop movie moment setting up a pretty sweet foosball match. This movie really does have everything.

19. Taylor Kitsch doesn’t like Sebastian Stan for reasons of, like, I don’t know, plot development I guess.

20. AGGRESSIVE HEAVY METAL SWIMMING! *air guitar but while wearing a swim cap*

21. Sebastian Stan has Blade Runner replicant eyes just like our Angsty Witch Boys so basically he’s a secret Angsty Witch Boy.

22. This movie is all fog and darkness and angst and homoeroticism and honestly I’m into it.

23. Oh my god there is literally a cave basement situation filled with candles and old books and I am convinced this is how Joel Schumacher originally imagined his version of Phantom of the Opera, replete with fancy abdominals.


24. I just realized that Emo Draco Malfoy looks exactly like an angsty baby Dolph Lundgren.


25. I honestly don’t know if Chace Crawford has had a line this whole movie.

26. Sebastian Stan is going full evil and reciting nursery rhymes and this is a very specific fetish I didn’t know I had and I’m confused.

27. So many spiders in so many face places in this movie.

28. “It’s what I need. More … power.” 



30. Oh wow cool they did. This is a good movie.


31. Why is this hospital so foggy and smoky? Renny, I get that you paid for a smoke machine, but this is excessive. People are trying to put stitches in and it’s very hard in this kind of environment.

32. This movie in no way delivered on its early CLASS WARFARE focus with Blonde Girl. I think because that would involve Blonde Girl having more to do than make out with Main Boy Witch and get groped by spiders.


34. OK no dancing yet but we are about to have an angsty barn fight which I will accept.

35. ANGSTY METAL MAGIC BARN BATTLE! *air guitar but this time wearing a wizard hat*


36. Sebastian Stan is made up of 60% handsome and 40% quips in this movie. It might be closer to half and half.

37. This is just magic dodgeball.

38. Hey boys, this is a fun game and all but I’m pretty sure Blonde Girl is just a very pretty toasted marshmallow now, maybe move it inside.

39. Never mind, she’s fine. The whole barn is on fire but she and her very flammable and billowy dress are doing great.

40. Fixing a windshield feels like a weird magic trick to end the movie on, but the director of Deep Blue Sea obviously knows better than I so who am I to judge?

41. There was no dancing. :( 

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