Did you know that in 2005, well after the height of the Furby craze, there was a 45-minute made-for-TV movie called Furby Island? Did you know that you can find the whole thing on YouTube? Do you know that, if you mention those two things to SYFY FANGRRLS Overlord Cher, she will encourage you to watch it For The Journalism, and/or because she is a Mistress of Pain?
Did you know that Furby Island is terrifying?
You’re about to.
Let’s start with the basic premise, because unless you did something seriously wrong in a past life, you’ve never heard of this movie. Thirteen-year-old Maddy and her younger brother Ty go with their explorer parents to an island. There they find a colony of Furbies. Then knockoff Steve Irwin shows up to try and kidnap the Furbies for profit. Oh, and the Furbies kill and eat people. No, not really…. but (whispers) yes, really.
Welcome to Deja View, Thoughts From the Pits of Hell Edition.
1. This is the YouTube thumbnail for this thing.
Hold on, I’m going to need some fortification.
2. Right off the bat we’re treated to knockoff Steve Irwin—aka Dr. Conquest, no foreshadowing at all—whose TV show Maddy watches en route to Furby Island. His tagline is “Make all your adventures… ADVENTURES!” OK, that’s a good line. Wait. I mean a bad line.
3. Little brother's brows are on point. What pencil does he use?
4. Maddy is chatting online with her fellow die-hard Dr. Conquest fans, and OK, girl. I was a fangirl in the early days of the ‘net, too. Where’s the fanfic? I know it’s there.
5. Maddy posits that, if she finds the “Tortozard” Dr. Conquest has been looking for, “maybe he’ll even put me on his TV show! Yes!”
Hold on. Too sober.
6. Dad’s giving Maddy crap about how “this conquest show is not about real science. It’s sensationalism!” Stop being a gatekeeper, Dad! If Maddy wants to fangirl Dr. Conquest and write fanfic about cryptids in ~sensual~ situations, let her. It’s all a part of being a teenage girl!
7. “We’ll see what’s real or not!” You know what’s real, Mr. Dad? My foot up your ass! Ooh, vodka.
8. Mom laments her teenage daughter’s burgeoning independence and remarks that she’s “13 going on 30.” If this doesn’t culminate in Furbies doing a group “Thriller” dance routine then really what is even the point?
9. Seven minutes in, and we get Furby—or, rather, Furby statue—number one.
I need more alcohol. And maybe a Valium.
10. Maddy and Ty wander into the forest in search of Dr. Conquest’s turtle Pokemon thing. Ty: “This is getting scary!” Beat you there, kid. You want some of my booze?
11. Maddy and Ty find an abandoned temple, which they inadvisably wander into. I don’t mean to bodyshame this frightening example of mid-aughts computer animation, but Maddy’s forearms are uncomfortably jacked right now.
12. Furby Island goes full Indiana Jones as Ty steps on a trigger that causes the floor to cave in, trapping them in the temple. Furbies show up and eat them and GOODBYE END OF MOVIE SHOTS FOR EVERYONE.
13. Ugh. No. That last part didn’t happen. They never do explain who set the booby trap and why, though.
14. Ty is trapped in the temple, and Maddy runs to get their parents. I would just like to point out here that Maddy is transparent. Reason one: bargain-basement animation. Reason two: Furbies killed Maddy and now she is a ghost, forced to relive the circumstances of her death on a loop for all eternity. Just kidding. That first reason is ridiculous.
15. First Furby.
THIS MOVIE IS TERRIFYING.
16. GIRL, RUN, THEY ARE GOING TO EAT YOU.
17. This one Furby swings in like bloodthirsty teddybear Johnny Weissmuller. It has black fur and eyes surrounded by pink. I'm just going to leave this here.
18. Devil Furby reminds Maddy that her brother’s trapped in the Forbidden Temple. She’d forgotten, because that’s what happens when you’re a ghost unknowingly trapped in purgatory. Ty has somehow gotten out of the temple on his own. It is never explained how.
19. JK, Ty is also a ghost so he just walked through the walls.
22. Ty has a normal reaction to the Furbies, i.e. oh sh*t oh sh*t oh sh*t. He threatens to fight it, which won’t end well. They’ll skin you alive, little dude. Look at the murder in their hearts.
21. There’s really nothing I can say other than “Furby musical number” and nothing else you can do but watch it.
22. Not for nothing, but with the forest locale and the furry cuteness and the chipper musical number they are really drawing parallels between Furbies and Ewoks, aren't they? And you know what Ewoks did? Yeah, that’s right. ATE PEOPLE.
23. I’m actually dancing a little bit to this. I think maybe I had too much vodka.
24. Kidding. NOT ENOUGH VODKA.
25. Gray Furby and black Furby bond with the kids and get taken back to the plane, where they’re going to stow away so they can catch a ride back to the mainland and kill all of humanity.
26. Maddy to her chat group: “They seem to know and feel what you’re thinking — it’s magical and amazing!” Or it’s devil hypnotism. But OK.
27. The gray Furby says “Don’t send me away. I’ll cut up all my credit cards!” Is “credit cards” the English version of “your entrails?”
28. Dad: “We have a great family, don’t we?” Pink-eyed devil Furby: “For now.”
29. I know I sleep with a permanent rictus grin.
30. So now it’s the next day, and the kids and their new Furby demon pets are in the forest playing hide and seek. Or the Furbies are leading them to separate parts of the forest so they can slaughter them without anyone hearing the screams. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
31. The little brother just did the cabbage patch. This film was made in 2005.
32. The inevitable carnage is held off for just a bit by the arrival of Dr. Carnage. Maddy is blushy and nervous, all “You don’t know the fanfic I’ve written!”
33. Dr. Carnage: “If you really have found the mythical, mind-reading, man-eating Furby, then it’s you who are the hero here!” Yes. “Man-eating.” Someone finally gets it!
34. Maddy counters that “the Furbies aren’t man-eating, they’re wonderful.” Immediately afterward the gray Furby mind-whammies her while twinkly hallucination music plays in the background, which kind of undercuts the whole “Furbies aren’t going to lull me into a false sense of security and then eat my organs while I’m forced to watch” point she's trying to make.
35. Now that, more than halfway through this abomination, some god-darned plot has happened, we finally get to see Maddy’s game face. Can we go back to weird Furby musical numbers, please? This is dreadful and I’m frightened.
36. Boring boring boring Maddy and Ty accidentally lead Conquest to the Furby lair boring boring boring. Dr. Conquest and his two minions accidentally bodyslam the gray Furby, which should kill her outright, but you how indestructible you can be when you’re possessed by the devil.
37. The faces in this movie are something else. Is everyone high? Is that what this is? Is Maddy a college freshman lying in a dorm room hallucinating some story about her younger self because she seriously overestimated the amount of pot brownies she could handle? “Oh, it hasn’t kicked in yet, I’ll just eat another.” Maddy, no! That’s how you get Furbies!
38. Something else that freaks me out here is the thing the parents are on this island to get: razor plants. As in, plants that can cut through anything, including the trap that Maddy fell into. Yet Furbies have managed to survive — nay, flourish! — on an island with literal murder ferns. But, oh no, they’re sweet and cute and cuddly.
39. To wit: The Furbies lure one of the dumb minions into a pit we’re supposed to believe Dr. Carnage and his two sidekicks dug… but how would they have had enough time to do that?
40. Where are all the humans who used to live on this island? The ones depicted in the paintings on the temple walls? Uh-huh. Check and mate.
41. Back at the temple, Mandy lures Dr. Carnage into another pit using one of those Indiana Jones traps. Maddy returns to her parents, who remark that they should really call the cops to deal with the whole situation. Maddy: NO. LET HIM PERISH. FEAST ON HIS FLESH, MY FURBY CHILDREN.
42. Look at the Mom. She’s the only one in this flaming buttcake of a movie that has any idea of the danger they’re all in. This is the face of a woman who is resigned to what she has to do, and it's called "mass slaugthter."
43. Oh gosh, gee, turns out they have to take all the Furbies with them to make sure Carnage won’t come back and try to Furbynap them all over again. Never saw that coming. Not like this is a prequel to an post-apocalyptic Furby nightmare where they enslave humankind or anything.
44. Over the credits, we see the gray Furby point out to Maddy that there are Furby colonies all over the world. Maddy vows to — sorry — catch ‘em all. Does anyone involved in Furby Island know they made a horror movie?