The Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior is a direct-to-video prequel to The Scorpion King, a spin-off to The Mummy Returns. It's about how the lowly protagonist Mathayus became a legendary warrior who would later become The Rock and then turn into a poorly CGI-ed half-Rock half-scorpion to fight Brendan Fraser. It's clearly not the greatest film ever made but it's definitely something you would probably watch while hungover and unable to locate the remote. We watched this movie for the first time and came away with 46 thoughts and maybe a few questions.
1. I have no idea what I'm in for and will probably need Wikipedia to understand.
2. So the little boy, Mathayus, pissed of a big muscular instructor at his fighting school and the guy’s eyes turned black. A classic signature for “Hey, I’m evil.” Someone in Mathayus’s life will die tragically.
3. Yep! His dad died by way of multiple scorpion bites. Someone sent some scorpions via Amazon Prime and they stung him all in his sleep. A movie titled The Scorpion King must have at least one person getting stung. It’s contractual.
4. Forgot to mention this abode is two stories. Mathayus’s people had some money.
5. The death was hilarious, by the way.
6. Mathayus is now determined to be an ultimate warrior to seek revenge, yadda yadda yadda training montage, and he is now magically a young adult.
7. This Black Scorpion army all have matching tattoos that look like they came out of a cereal box. They’re horrendous. The little scorpions on their arms look like a scorpion Steve from Blue’s Clues would draw, but way less cute.
8. The primary rule of movies like this is that the first woman to appear in the main character’s life other than their mother is destined to either be kidnapped and/or killed at some point so that the main character can grow or unlock their rage. Spoiler alert: Thankfully this is not the case for the young woman, Layla. Instead, she kicks ass AND helps save the day.
9. Apparently, the bald-headed black eyed instructor, Sargon, is now King of Akkad. Talk about a come-up. He also has a great memory because he recognized young adult Mathayus right away. I should also mention Sargon is played by Randy Couture. Mixed martial arts to come.
10. I want whatever armless robe Sargon is walking around in. It's so flowy.
11. How did Sargon become king anyway? Was it his commitment to Chicos-style vestments?
12. Mathayus sets his brother free instead of killing him as Sargon demands. That results in Mathayus' brother, Noah, getting killed by a heat-seeking arrow activated by magic. YUP!
13. Noah’s death pushed Mathayus into the warm embrace of revenge. At this point in the movie, revenge and Mathayus are in a deep bearhug.
14. Mathayus, a young woman named Layla, and a white guy from Greece all take a greyhound ship to Egypt on a quest to retrieve the Sword of Damocles because there is always some kind of magical weapon involved.
15. I love how the costumes are giving off leather-daddy vibes.
16. Terrible CGI monster. It's a mix between an ox and a lizard. I guess it kind of looks like a minotaur but not really.
17. Insulting a monster has never been a good idea. Ever.
18. In this movie, music charms the minotaur enough so Mathayus can kill it. Now I’m thinking of what kind of music would settle down xenomorphs. Random, I know, but this movie's minotaur kind of looks like one. I mean, it was black with a tail and I’d rather have watched Alien.
19. The movie has turned into an escape room scenario.
20. And then it turns into a turn-based RPG with a full team.
21. HOLY LACKLUSTER CGI.
22. Carnival funhouses were inspired by the underworld according to this movie.
23. Actually, this movie is now a very messed up escape room scenario because if they don't get back from the underworld in time they'll turn to stone. No pressure though.
24. Sargon had streaming services before TVs or the internet were ever a thing. He has been a cord cutter since before there were cords to cut.
25. For a brief moment, I thought this was going to turn into softcore tentacle porn.
26. Dead people cosplay.
27. “I think I just stepped in someone." Gross.
28. Orgy tree.
29. Orgy swamp.
30. So much masculinity.
31. If you were wondering, yes, someone does get killed by a beast lurking in the shadows because they walked off from the group to go investigate some jewelry.
32. The underworld has many diverse biomes. They go from desert to orgy swamp to a drafty chamber.
33. Super sexy goddess alert. She goes by Astarte.
34. I was hoping for an okay fight between Layla and Astarte. Instead, I found myself thinking of the iconic fight between Nefertiti and Anck-Su-Namun in The Mummy Returns.
36. Astarte is the sugar mama ruler of the underworld.
37. Blood Tattoo. Astarte drops some of her blood on Sargon's bald-head and then BOOM, a tattoo begins to formulate.
38. Sargon is the leather pants king.
39. Damn! That sword they got from the underworld is SHARP!
40. Mousetrap, but make it the Scorpion King edition. Sargon wants everyone in the city killed as a tribute to Asarte. He has his soldiers corral everyone into the arena.
41. MIXED MARTIAL ARTS!!!!!
42. Plot twist but actually a double cross.
43. Yuck. Tattoo removal with a hot sword.
44. I don’t know which is worse: The Rock’s CGI scorpion look or Randy Couture's.
45. I take that back. I do know whose is the worst. It's Randy's. They don't even put a head on his Doom 1994 graphics scorpion.
46. Sargon is defeated by Mathayus. Asarte lets him live. He goes into a three-day just-saved-the-city coma and then wakes up to finally kiss Layla. And then we find out scorpion blood makes you want to travel so Mathayus leaves Akkad and Layla to go Eat, Pray, Kill. That's why we have the movies that come after this one. I figured it out.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author's, and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY, or NBC Universal.