Close your eyes. Clear your head. Forget everything you know about life and existence and create the most serene moment that you can muster. Now imagine that you hear a voice, a soft, velvety voice that sends gentle vibrations into your very marrow. Does that voice sound like Jeff Goldblum? Of course it does ... and no, it's not just you.
What is it about Jeff Goldblum that gets us so riled up? Here's the short answer: He is the only person like Jeff Goldblum in the entire universe, and that makes him a unique, rare commodity. But we're not here for the short answer. Allow me to give you the long answer, in listicle form, just the way you like it. (Goldblum would never settle for giving you less than that.)
Like a total Hipster, Goldblum was cool before the Internet knew about it
Actor-slash-musician-slash-universal lover Jeff Goldblum was famous for his offbeat sex appeal long before the Internet made him their official DILF (and way before he was an actual DILF, which happened last year when his son, Charlie Ocean, was born on Independence Day, and yes, all of those things are facts). Though he's been acting since the '70s, when he made his film debut in Death Wish, it wasn't until the '80s that the lanky, kooky, inexplicably sexy Goldblum began his reign as Hollywood's most unconventional leading man in Earth Girls Are Easy and The Fly. Add in his cultier turns in The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension and Transylvania 6-500, and Goldblum's IMDb was chock-full of quirky roles and meme-worthy moments decades before Tumblr shrines were dedicated to him.
The '90s made Goldblum a mainstream star, further cementing his role as the reason why some of us got tingly while watching dinosaurs and aliens mercilessly murder tons and tons of people. Once the internet happened, Jeff Goldblum went from hot to scorching, sending an extremely specific thirst into fans of varying ages, genders and sexualities. When Goldblum meets the internet, wonderful, weird and beautiful things happen. Like this:
That cocksure swagger
Jeff Goldblum is a man who refuses to limit himself as a performer and a human, and his career and public persona, both of which are the sexy, sexy gifts he has chosen to share with the world, are proof. He's fearless, otherwise he would not have subjected himself to transforming into an insect in The Fly, which was not just one of the most viscerally disgusting horror remakes of all time (see? reboots can be great!), but also may or may not have been a timely cinematic metaphor for the AIDS crisis. But how many actors would give up their vanity to play a failed, deteriorating science experiment in front of their then-girlfriend for the sake of effective storytelling? Only the most confident ones.
There's a really handsome man underneath all of that, but he's too busy playing God and daring to dream to take a shower right now.
Like a fine-ass wine, he's only gotten better with age
While Goldblum eschewed the vanity that is reserved for the young and stupid for slime and fur and viscera-covered roles, he saved his best stuff for his 40s. Having proven that yes, he's willing to play the more physically and emotionally complicated genre roles, the '90s was the time for Goldblum to kick back, put on some normal clothes, and just play sexy geniuses who are always right. Jurassic Park's Dr. Ian Malcolm and Independence Day's David Levinson were both way ahead of the dangerous games they were playing and found themselves in the middle of some very harrowing action. While these two men were very different, both of them swaggered.
Malcolm swaggered in the beginning as he schooled every invited guest of the doomed Jurassic Park about how this whole dinosaur thing was never going to work.
Then, unfortunately, because he was right, chaos, uh, found a way and he was attacked by a Tyrannosaurus rex while trying to save children.
On to David Levinson, a guy whose certainly doesn't have the same swagger as Malcolm in the beginning of his story, but look what happened after he flew into space and planted a computer virus into the most vulnerable alien network in the whole universe...
Swagger happened. Goldblum's swagger game is so strong that he barely had to work that whole decade because his hips and legs made those two movies so much money.
He seduces with his art
We may not be able to have sexy times with Jeff Goldblum, but Jeff Goldblum makes love to our souls. Any good artist shares parts of his or her soul when they make something for us, and Goldblum goes one step further and penetrates us with his charm and heart. He doesn't merely share; he gives of himself. Even when he's appearing on talk shows, he isn't there to promote things like some humdrum pretty boy. He's there to regale us with an anecdote, sing us a song, all while making us feel like he's doing it just for us.
All of that is more than we deserve, because he's just going on a show and being himself. As we know, he's more than just a naturally-occurring wonderful person -- he can pretend to be all different kinds of wonderful people. His willingness to be as many kinds of people in as many kinds of situations only proves that he wants to make as many of us happy as is humanly possible, even though at this point I'm wondering if Jeff Goldblum is something that transcends human.
His essence, though imitated, cannot be duplicated
Jeff is so singular, so extraordinary, that even other men can't repress their deep-seeded urges to want to be like him. Thankfully, Community put a name to the charisma and charm emitted by the one and only JG: Goldbluming.
One of Goldblum's greatest talents is knowing when words just can't convey what silence can. A student of Sanford Meisner, Goldblum knows that acting is reacting. Sometimes, we don't react with words. And no one is better than non-verbal communication than Jeff Goldblum. Sure, Ian Malcolm was a talkative fellow. But sometimes, it only takes a little lift of the eyebrow, or a challenge silently accepted, to let everyone in the room know who the genius hero is. Though if he's going to bless us with his symphonic verbalization, he's not going to need the most flowery language, and he certainly isn't going to need a lot of it.
Jeff Goldblum, while visually attractive to many of us, is universally attractive because he is a giver. He is willing to be weird for us, he's willing to be sensual with us, he's willing to be angry and scared and tragic for us.
Goldblum cannot be predicted, because that is what chaos theory teaches us and we all just need to accept what Goldblum's particular form of chaos bestows upon us. And that, my friends, is why Goldblum is the Internet's DILF.
Which Jeff Goldblum era is your favorite Jeff Goldblum? Let us know in the comments or on Twitter.
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