Waterworld, a movie about a mutant just trying to get by in a world made of ocean, is probably best known for being both the most expensive film in history up to that point and a massive failure. Honestly, there was so much drama surrounding Waterworld, I can’t decide what is more interesting — the fact that Joss Whedon did a seven-week rewrite of the film or that Kevin Costner, who had become star, producer, investor, and de facto director, went on the record to air dirty laundry in a scandalous interview that is totally worth reading.
I have a very unpopular opinion, which Costner just so happens to share: Waterworld is a great film. Most people tend to disagree with me, but I remember seeing this film back in the '90s and having my mind blown. Could it be that I was less than 10 years old when the film released? Or is it just as brilliant as I remember it?
Well, I’m going to sip on a mimosa and revisit this post-apocalyptic tale of global warming, scavenging hordes of scattered humanity, and Kevin Costner with gills for Deja View. See? It already sounds amazing.
1. I love that we start with a close up of Costner’s ass. I forgot that he was kind of a heartthrob up to this point.
2. LOL. This beginning is just ridiculous. It’s like, “This world is so brutal. We drink our pee.”
3. I actually gasped when that dude stole his limes. You can’t mess with someone’s lime tree like that—even if you’re on a world without land.
4. “Nothing’s free in Waterworld.” I love that he actually says Waterworld.
5. The music is entirely too cheery for what is going on. Smokers are attacking a ship and the music is playful and percussive.
6. Oh snap. He just basically killed a man over limes. Five limes, but still.
7. I don’t like the way these men are hunting this little girl with the back tattoo.
8. Okay, this little float-slash-compound is creepy AF. Two parents just offered up their daughter to be impregnated by Costner.
9. “He’s a mutation!” I completely forgot this had an X-Men flavor to it.
10. Maybe it’s just the current state of the world, but it’s hard to see a person in a cage for being a foreigner.
11. Whoa! So just because he has gills, he’s not human? That’s messed up.
12. I must say that the stakes have been set up very well by this point. There are mutants like the protagonist who are considered to be an aberration and must be killed. There are smokers and slavers who thrive in this brutal world by pillaging and murdering or enslaving other humans. In other words, everyone is trying to kill Kevin Costner.
13. I still have no idea what Costner’s character’s name is.
14. It is extremely hard to feel threatened by someone on a jet ski. They look like they’re just having a great time.
15. People on water skis just penetrated their defenses. Yes, they were wearing skis for the water. Yes, they looked fabulous.
16. Basically, Costner is Aquaman in this film.
17. Seriously, I want to hop on one of these jet skis and just zoom around in a crop top like, “Hey, I don’t want to kill you, but like, give me your diiiiiiirt.”
18. “Maybe he doesn’t answer to Chuck. Call him Charles.” That may be the most hilarious panic line ever.
19. Costner just advocated for throwing a child overboard because they don’t have the resources on their boat for everyone to survive. The mom is having to beg him not to kill her kid.
20. The narrative seems very concerned about how sex-starved Costner is.
21. He just beat a woman with an oar. We’re really pushing what we can accept in an antihero.
22. OMG. Deacon’s fake eye just popped out onto the floor. Did this film just become a comedy?
23. Seriously, are the smokers supposed to be scary? Because they’re actually hilarious.
24. I love this little girl (Enola). She’s so bold.
25. HE JUST THREW HER OVERBOARD.
26. Oh snap. Turns out she can’t swim.
27. But, also, you live on a world made of water. I think you should learn to swim. Because. You know. The whole water thing.
28. Why the hell is he cutting her hair? What a creepy jerk!
29. This dude is totally an abuser. I did not realize that before.
30. Yikes. He just shoved the mom aside while negotiating for the sale of her and her daughter to another drifter.
31. Oh but don’t worry. He’s still a good guy because he changed his mind before letting the drifter rape her.
32. I can’t believe he just used himself as bait to catch a giant fish monster. I also can’t believe we just glossed over the whole attempted rape thing.
33. Wait. The mom isn’t really her mom?
34. So, now he’s teaching Enola to swim? From random abusive man to father figure in one scene! She’s not going to have any issues.
35. Again, the music and the tone of this learning to swim scene make no sense within the larger film.
36. What kind of magical acrobatic sailing was that?!
37. I have never forgotten this sexy underwater kissing/breathing scene.
38. I really like Costner’s earrings. Where do you think he got those?
39. Is she kissing him because he didn’t have coercive sex with her? Oh, and now they’re boning.
40. I still do not know Kevin Costner’s character’s name.
41. So the things Enola is drawing are real!
42. Deacon just inexplicably referred to “centuries of shame” when talking to a portrait of a man in a business suit. I don’t understand what is going on.
43. Smeat is a hilarious knock-off name for spam.
44. “He doesn’t have a name, so death can’t find him.” Well, now at least that makes sense.
45. Deacon’s speech is really long. Enola has given her own speech during his speech and Costner has infiltrated the ship.
46. This film is both better and worse than I remembered.
47. Deacon called Costner “the gentleman guppy,” which is hilarious.
48. “Was this your big vision?” Enola just said that to Deacon. She’s mouthy and I LOVE IT.
49. The villains all exploded because they drove their jet skis into each other. (I still want to ride a jet ski.)
50. Dry Land is a verdant Eden. Oh right, this was filmed in Hawaii, so yes.
51. Did Enola just run off into the wilderness? She kissed Costner goodbye and then just booked it away from the camera off toward the woods and away from everyone.
52. And there goes Kevin Costner, sailing into the great blue yonder in a cute crop top.