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Men in Black

65 thoughts we had while watching Men in Black

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Dec 27, 2018

With the release of the trailer for the Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth-led Men in Black International, there's really no better time than now to revisit the first and only good movie from the sci-fi franchise.

I can't actually remember the last time I saw this film, but I do remember learning the dance moves to Will Smith's theme song. That is, and will always be, an eternal bop.

So here's what random thoughts came to mind when I settled in to watch the late '90s action comedy this week for this Deja View

  1. Wow, this feels so dated. When was it made again? 1997... Oh dear lord, it’s 21. It can legally drink.
     
  2. I actually really like this font, it reminds me of Papyrus or Dr. Strangelove. Oh, it’s made by the same dude who did Strangelove, Pablo Ferro. Nice. Might do some business cards in this font.

Men In Black font

3. Is that an alien? Oh no, it's a dragonfly. They are freaky looking bugs, aren’t they? Where's he going? Watch the truck! Phew made it! Oh, wait, no he hit a van. He dead.

4. These border patrol agents don’t seem that tough. The one with lines reminds me of Dudley Do-Right. The comic version, not Brendan Fraser, obvs.

5. Oh, my god, Tommy Lee Jones was an absolute bae, even with a slight unibrow. He can neutralize me any day.

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6. Well, this alien pretending to be a Mexican should have concentrated more in Spanish class.

7. “Keep on protecting us from the dangerous aliens.” Good one, K. I see what you did there... aliens... illegal aliens. I didn't even think about the real world relevance of that when I first watched this. Nice work, adult brain.

8. Why do these aliens have human names like Mikey? Why isn’t it Dkfjheonoo or something equally unpronounceable?

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9. Mikey manages to get to the Mexican border in disguise, and without killing humans, but then snaps when Dudley Do-right screams? That doesn’t make sense at all.

10. Oh my god looks at all that goop. So much blue goop. It’s actually really gross. I should not be eating curry right now.

11. The Neutralizer. One of the greatest movie sci-fi inventions ever but also the most inexplicable. How does it pinpoint specifically the alien memories in a person?

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12.Oh here's James (Will Smith) jumping off a bridge onto a tourist bus which is of course filled with Asian tourists because apparently, they are the only people to go on tourist buses in Hollywood movies.

13. James' work outfit: when you gotta bust a perp by 9 and then drop the sickest beat in the studio at 10.

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14. When people jump onto the back of trucks and hold on for a free ride, don't the drivers notice? Wouldn't they pull over or something?

15. "NYPD means I will knock your punk-ass down." That would be KYPD, James. 

16. This alien has sick parkour skills.

17. Surely a lift would have been quicker than running around the entire Guggenheim?

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18. Oh man, the alien jumped off the roof... and after Will did all that running.

19. OK, now we meet Edgar and Beatrice the rednecks, whose accents seem more American South than Upstate New York. 

20. Edgar is the worst. "This looks like poison, don't take that away I'm eating it, dammit." Toxic masculinity at its most repugnant.

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21. Ha! Bye, Edgar's truck. Congrats on the expert targeting, space bug in an alien ship.

22. Oh man, the sound effects are really gruesome in this. You can really hear the skin being pulled off Edgar's body. Ew, I can barely keep down my lamb pasanda.

23. Now alien Edgar is back, but he's still a demanding dick who's now on a sugar water diet. I think Beyoncé did that once.

Men in Black Edgar

24. I have to admit the makeup in this is pretty amazing. Vincent D'Onofrio looks just so gross in his baggy skin. No wonder it won an Oscar.

25. Why does there always seem to be an overweight and clearly incompetent male police officer acting like he runs the joint in front of a younger, more capable one like James? 

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26. At least K has arrived. Tommy and Will were so well cast together, their banter is hilarious. 

27. Oh look it's Tony "Monk" Shalhoub looking like he's got a pretty bad astigmatism in his eye. But not for long. Monk got his head blown off. More goop. Ew.

28. Back to alien Edgar, how did that giant cockroach alien fit into that tiny spaceship?

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29. Rip Torn's name in this movie is Z. I wonder what his real name is. Zachariah? Zeke? Zoltan?

30. So apparently "the best of the best of the best" are trying out to join MiB but none of them are that competent when it comes to using pen or paper. Maybe they should have found some female recruits.

Will Smith Men in Black

31. Why are all the military recruits looking at James like he's mad for finally making the sensible decision to use the table to do the quiz on? Right, because that's the weirdest thing going on here.

32. This shoot 'em up training module is one of my favorite rides at Universal Studios. James has a point, those quantum physics books are too advanced for little Tiffany. What is she hiding?

33. Isn't it kind of mad that the government just let K join them just because he happened to be at the site of the first alien encounter, carrying flowers? Wouldn't they just lock him up or put him in a mental asylum instead of a government pension?

34. OK, you really know how old this film is because of the dodgy crossfades used for when James has to decide if he wants to join MiB or not.

35. ‎I'm going to miss James' vibrant and entirely inappropriate work outfits now that he has to rock the suits.

36. LOL at George Lucas and Steven Spielberg being outed as aliens.

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37. ‎Edgar trying to look inconspicuous as he stakes out the Guardian of the Galaxy is me trying to look cool in front of my crush as he walks by.

38. ‎Shout out to Vincent who absolutely nailed looking like a giant insect alien struggling to fit and walk in the skin wrap of a human being.

39. Oh god, this film is so gross sometimes. So much bile and alien goop everywhere. I might heave.

40. You think J is being nice by changing Beatrice's story (post-neutralizer) to make it seem like she left Edgar but then he insults her house which is like totally not cool at all.

41. Pretty sure Beatrice and Laurel (Linda Fiorentino) are the only women with lines in this movie. I love Linda Fiorentino though, she's a babe. 

42. I don't understand how these little Arquillian aliens died when alien Edgar stabbed their human bodies in the neck, way below their little pilot hatch. What did he hit?

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43. J has a point about getting "flashy-thinged" all the time. Surely there has to be some brain malfunction if it happens too many times??

44. They are working 37-hour days? I hope the benefits package is amazing.

45. Kind of sweet and deeply creepy that K is watching the girl he left behind using government surveillance.

46. RIP J's butt after firing that minigun and being blasted through a car windscreen. Where's the blood, guys?

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47. Oh my god that poor dog. He is legit shaking a real dog. Time's up on animal abuse, please.

48. Is that a galaxy on your belt, cat, or are you just happy to see Laurel? Both.

49. So weird seeing David Cross with black hair and no beard.

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50. Shout out to Laurel for calling out the sexist bullsh*t from J who says she was acting like a drunk prom queen when really SHE HAD BEEN ATTACKED AND THREATENED BY AN ALIEN AND WAS TRYING TO SAVE THEIR LIVES. BUT OK SHE'S THE FORWARD ONE? 

51. I don't understand why alien Edgar rips out the beaded seat cover and the crown from the Sikh man's taxi cab when he steals it. Maybe he also hates silly stereotypes of foreigners in movies.

52. Oh man, alien Edgar is just awful. When he shows his buggy inner teeth thingies? Swipe left, swipe left.

53. I like how the mini aliens planning to destroy Earth say "sorry" in their message. Nothing like maintaining politeness during intergalactic warfare.

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54. Why does J never put on a seatbelt? Why does no one in movies ever put on a seatbelt?

55. The most realistic things about this movie are the runs in Laurel's tights after she's been thrown around by alien Edgar.

56. Oh man, alien Edgar needs some coconut oil STAT. And why does he say he wants to take Laurel so he can eat her on the way? I thought his kind drank sugar water? His diet is all over the map.

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57. Surely there are several more agents that could help in this situation. I mean where are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, L, M, N, O, P, Q, U, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?

59. Oh my god, do not watch this movie while eating snacks. Watching K shoot himself out of alien Edgar is too much. TOO. MUCH. GOOP.

60. Yes, Linda! Saving their lives like a G. They should make her an agent as she's probably far more qualified than either K or J, comparatively.

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61. Oh K, he wants to retire and see the stars. And see his girl. OK, but seriously, as if she would have waited around for 30 odd years for him. 

62. J's new suit is super fly, and the glasses, too. Damn son.

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63. Oh good, Laurel is an Agent too now. So what's her name then? Was there already L? Is she L now? I still don't get how it works if they hire someone and their initial isn't free.

64. I guess we're all just marbles in someone else's marble game. Deep. What an ending.

65. Finally, we get the theme tune, what a banger this was. Shame they didn't use it in the actual film. A scene with aliens dancing and Agent K digging up the dance floor would have been dope.

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