One of the most satisfying parts of any slasher film is when the jerk that you've been rooting against since the beginning finally gets knocked off. These people spend the entire film belittling the other characters, making everything awkward, and usually being, like, the worst boyfriend possible. And just when you think "Oh, I guess the evil of CHAD will win this day..." down goes the machete and down goes the douche. It makes you want to cheer.
And over the course of ten movies, the Halloween franchise has been full of these types, people that are so irredeemable that you actually start siding with the soulless killer. And yeah, you might say "Obviously, these dudes aren't as bad as Michael Myers," but let me ask you this: who would you rather be stuck in a van with? Michael would be quiet. He wouldn't eat all the snacks. He may even chip in for gas. The same can't be said for any of these guys.
So, here are the seven Halloween characters that we were happiest to see get slashed. It is my sincerest hope that the new 2018 Halloween movie continues in the tradition of the prior films and makes at least half of the cast as unlikable as these morons.
So, Bob is the prototype boyfriend character in the Halloween series. He's viciously uninteresting, mostly concerned with having sex in other people's houses, and when he gets taken down, it's a receipt that's way past due. That said, Bob can lay claim to a trait that most other Halloween boyfriend characters can't: at one point, Bob openly advocates tearing the clothes off of a child. Not too many other assholes on this list stoop that low, but Bob leaps into this particular portal of awful with abandon.
Don't remember that part? Listen for him describing his plan to his girlfriend Linda in their van. Wait for when he says "And then we'll rip Lindsey's clothes off." But wait. Lindsey isn't in the Laurie/Annie/Linda friend group. Lindsey is the CHILD that Annie and Laurie are babysitting. If this was a dialogue mistake, wouldn't there be a reshoot? Nope, this dude is joking about EXACTLY what we think he's joking about, and it's kind of a buzzkill. So when he gets stabbed to a wall, it's cool with me. Dude was stupid levels of gross.
Budd (Halloween II)
Budd's death isn't very creative, as he gets strangled to death in the blurry background of a hospital's hydrotherapy room. But this comes after he's already ruined the mood by singing about a woman's "pie."
Now, okay. I get it. The characters in these films are usually teenagers and young adults, a demographic that is stereotypically sex-obsessed. And I've been a dude in his early 20s before. At that point in my life, I was the erotic equivalent of a guy slowly shoving a raw hamburger into an old shoe. But Budd, read the room, man. And also, please stop with this "pie" song for literally forever. Thank you. And finally, I'm sorry about your murder. That must've been tough.
Mike (Halloween 5)
Mike is the obvious evolution of Bob. To put this in terms that Pokemon fans and literally no one else can understand, Mike is what happens when you get Bob up to level 16. He's lost the terrible jokes about pedophilia, but he's gained a leather jacket and a "tough guy" attitude. He also checks out his hair all the time, not realizing that he's a nineteen-year-old dude wearing a leather jacket in 1989 and that no amount of hair styling is going to make him cool.
Mike's death comes when he gets a gardening tool to the skull, but not before he attempts to puff out his chest at Michael Myers. Mike, you live in Haddonfield, which is the number one bizarre death capital in the Midwest and the infamous home of Michael Myers. You should know the drill by now. If you see Michael, you sprint in any direction that isn't the one that Michael is coming from. Sure, you'll probably fall or Michael will somehow catch up to you, but at least buy yourself a little time before you get a claw to the noggin. Jeez, my dude. Wake up.
Jimmy Howell (Halloween H20)
It's so great to see famous actors when they're not famous yet. They're so full of hope and energy and oh my god, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, shut up for like four seconds. Yeah, we get it. You carry a hockey stick.
Jimmy's death comes at an earlier part of his Halloween film than any of the other murders on this list, so you don't get to spend a bunch of time getting to know (and hate) him. But maybe that's for the best. Gotta nip a problem in the bud before it gets too big, right?
Wesley (Rob Zombie's Halloween)
Oh boy. We've hit the section for Rob Zombie's Halloween films. This could take a while. However, to keep this article from being six hundred pages long, I'll just choose the top three. And the first one here is Wesley, the bully that attends school with Michael Myers and torments him mercilessly. Once you get over the fact that "THAT'S THE DUDE FROM SPY KIDS," you'll soon be begging Michael to rush through his own tragic backstory in order to get rid of Wesley quicker.
And how does Michael accomplish the task? Beats him to death with a stick. I'm not kidding. Michael takes a tree branch, waits for Wesley in the woods, and then pummels him with it. It's not very ingenious, but let's be honest: Wesley "Spit In Other Kids' Toboggans" doesn't deserve a ton of brainpower.
Noel Kluggs & His Cousin Kendall (Rob Zombie's Halloween)
If you've only seen the R-rated version of the 2007 Halloween, then when Michael Myers escaped the sanitarium, you were treated to Michael just wrecking some security guards. However, if you saw the unrated version, then you witnessed two redneck guards raping an inmate in Michael Myers' room. Michael doesn't really react until the guards start messing with his masks, though, and then he chokes the first and bashes the head in of the second.
I don't really need to describe why we should be excited to see these guys go. Along with being jerks (and racist to Danny Trejo's character), they also seal their fate by assaulting a helpless woman. So, yeah. Go to town, Michael.
Dr. Loomis (Rob Zombie's Halloween II)
The Dr. Loomis in Rob Zombie's first Halloween movie seems to have everyone's best interests at heart. Sure, he's a little weird and obsessive, but you try attempting to cure a monstrous psychopath for 15 years with no success and see how well you're doing mentally.
However, in Halloween II, he's suddenly become the world's most insufferable man, doing everything he can to cash in on the Michael Myers story with his books and being verbally abusive to his poor assistant. Can book sales really change a person that much? Have those special readings at various Barnes & Nobles around the Midwest gone to his head?
So it's kind of fitting that Dr. Loomis is eventually stabbed in the gut by Michael, but not before hearing Michael's only spoken word in the entire series: "DIE!" And I know that it sounds silly, but if I was a seven-foot-tall unkillable lunatic and I had to put up with Halloween II's Dr. Loomis, "DIE" is probably what I'd say, too.