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Earth Girls Are Easy

75 thoughts I had while watching Earth Girls Are Easy

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Nov 30, 2017

As Jurassic Park's cackling, open-shirted, snarky science stud Ian Malcolm, Jeff Goldblum sparked the sexual awakening of a generation of young women. But before this, he was going full beefcake in the cruelly forgotten sci-fi rom-com musical Earth Girls Are Easy. Better still, he co-starred with his then wife, the gorgeous and hilarious Geena Davis. 

Inspired by comedian/singer-songwriter Julie Brown's kooky songs, Earth Girls Are Easy centers on Valerie Gail (Davis), a Southern California girl whose life is forever changed when she experiences a close encounter of the stirred kind, meeting three strapping, furry aliens from outer space.

As a girl, I watched this utterly bizarre movie over and over, riveted with feelings for which I did not yet have a name! Nearly 20 years since its theatrical debut, I delve back into this SoCal so spacey comedy to see if it has grown into a quirky camp classic or if it's festered into a cringe-worthy flick best left forgotten. Join me!

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1. The opening shot of a spaceship screams, "MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS!"

2. Before In Living Color was a thing, Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans played horny alien bros, Wiploc and Zeebo. While their leader Mac (Goldblum) sleeps, they enjoy holographic burlesque, while the theme song plays.

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3. Valerie (Davis) is also introduced sleeping. She and Mac are totally made for each other!

4. Hang the hell on. While her cad of a fiancé Ted (Charles Rocket) is in the bathroom covering up a hickey from his late-night "work," Davis opens her nightstand to pop some birth control pre-coitus. First off, this is not how birth control works. Second, WHY IS THERE A FAKE HAND IN HER DRAWER!?

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5. Ted shut down sex. Will Valerie's nightstand hand come in handy? (Spoilers: Nope.)

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6. Do we love or hate this look? It's suspenders and culottes and socks and sandals, and a hat that is basically a glorified headband. On one hand, it's a lot of look. On the other, it was deemed poster-worthy and -- holy shit! Is the new Doctor's look a nod to Earth Girls Are Easy!?

7. Locker room talk: "I heard oysters are good for potency." "I tried that but they kept falling off." Earth girls are easy. Earth boys are stupid.

8. The salon where Val works is called Curl Up And Dye! There was a salon in my hometown with that name. I never went. It's closed now, so I never will. I will never get to ask if they love this movie as much as I, or if they've ever shaved an alien. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

9. Before Snapchat filters, there was this hi-tech makeover biz.

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10. If you're wondering why Julie Brown co-wrote this movie and isn't its star, let's assume it's because her sassy Valley Girl persona would never be conned by a cad like Ted. As Candy Pink, she's got style, panache, and real talk: "The root of all your problems is that you don't look like me!"

11. Oh. We're meant to think Davis is too mousy to be alluring. The solution is a bikini, body glitter, and hair bleach. Mmmkay. Sure.

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12. Val practicing dirty talk, it's too real, ya'll.

13. Oh god. She just read in a self-help book you should put a dab of your favorite perfume on a lit light bulb to "sensualize your love trap." I have done that. I had forgotten this was a tip I picked up from Earth Girls Are Easy. But hey, it worked. He married me. 

14. Val's love trap fails because her fiancé is a cheating snake who brought a date home. ("You weren’t supposed to be here, Val!") But even if not, the come-on "Eat me; I'm a cupcake?" Not great, Val.

15. "If meaningless sex is what you want, why can't you have it with me!?" Val will write her own self-help book. It will be a bestseller, and this will be its title.

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16. This is a good visual gag for "the neighbors are watching" line. Both the actual Neighborhood Watch sign and the old woman who will shoot you for interrupting Murder, She Wrote. (Checks to be sure that show was still airing in 1988, discovers it was, high-fives self.)

17. There is no way this is Davis' voice. But I dig how she's systematically destroying everything Ted owns. Bowling ball into the computer is a solid finishing move.

18. Researched: Jill Jones sang "The Ground You Walk On." 

19. The makeover failed, so Val ditches it, going back to her curly brown hair and funky outfits. Good for you, girl! You were never the problem here. You're beautiful. And not bright, but kind, fun, and open-hearted, and did I mention beautiful? Damn, Geena. 

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20. There's a raft shaped like a hand in her pool. She's a manicurist, so is it like she's just REALLY into hands?

21. Val sunbathing in a bikini is literally what brings them to Earth. Hers is the face that crashed a spaceship in her pool. 

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22. "As if things weren't bad enough, I've been abducted by a UFO!" We've all been there.

23. The water has jacked up their ship. But it's cool. It just needs to dry out. So what to do with one day in SoCal? I can think of a couple of things. (Yeah, even if Goldblum were a blue furry alien, I still would.)

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24. Goldblum just rainbow magicked a cat with a love touch. I have never envied a cat before.

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25. For lunch Val offered them pop tarts, diet soda, and cheese whiz. Zeebo prefers dish soap and the contents of a lava lamp. Who could blame him?

26. It wasn’t part of her revenge plan to get back at her ex. But damn, these aliens are making short work of trashing his place. Sometimes life works out.

27. Super casual reading NAILS magazine. What can I say? Val loves her work.

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28. Michael McKean as a pool boy is … unexpected.

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29. "Ted is like a trained doctor. One look at you guys and he's going to know you're not local." CUE ANOTHER MAKEOVER SEQUENCE!!!!

30. Clearly, Brown put it in her contract she gets the best clothes. Which, fair.

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31. "No man is worth getting in this state over. Mel Gibson maybe." Welp. That joke has not aged well.

32. "Have a mental margarita." What is this thing? I want one.

33. I assume the director told Wayans and Carrey "mess around with things, make faces, and scream a lot." 

34.  "And behind door number three: this is the ultimate." Yes. Yes he is.

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35. We are all Geena Davis.

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36. Except not really, because they were married so this was her like day-to-day, no big deal.

37. Is Kate McKinnon a time traveler!?

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38. There's waitresses handing out condoms at this cool club: Earth Girls Are Easy promoting safe sex!

39. Goldblum goes piano-playing lounge singer and I CAN. NOT. DEAL. Valerie laments she can't find her Mr. Right. He's right there in the blue sequin jacket! With a monkey in his pocket for no apparent reason!

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40. Now, 1988, and forever, the best way to win a woman's heart is a dance-off. Patrick Swayze knew it. Marlon Wayans knows it. When the men do it in go-go dancer cages? It is a bold new world, and I want to go to there.

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41. "I'm going home with him!" Grab a dental dam from the waitress on your way out! You don't know where he's been!

42. Mac moves to kiss Val and I literally stopped breathing. WHERE IS MY FAINTING COUCH WHEN I NEED IT!?

43. Ted's back and trying to get the aliens arrested. But can we talk about Val's crop blouse? I'm into it. 

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44. Out of nowhere Ted (aka Doctor Dude, aka Doctor Love, aka Doctor Douchebag) declares Val's cat is "psychotic." But at least it gets a cutaway shot to give him a death stare.

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45. Mac's just chilling, listening to music. 

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46. Val is sad and heartbroken, and Mac Goldblum is sitting on her bed saying, "Mac can make Valerie feel very very good." I am on fire.

47. "You're an alien, and I'm from the Valley! We may not even be anatomically correct for each other." He's undressing off camera, his silhouette playing across her face and body like tantalizing waves. PAN THE CAMERA OVER! SHOW US WHAT IS "NO PROBLEM!"

48. That sound you hear off in the distance? It's me screaming. 

49. Okay. I confess it is weird that he basically gave her cat an orgasm before her. But we've gotten to the love touch! And it is the stuff of cheesy '80s videos and side-boob!

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50. Have I mentioned they were married IRL? Think on that. Revel in it. Envy them both.

51. I am into this sci-fi rom-com musical subgenre. Are there literally any other entries in it?

52. Now we've fallen into a wacky black-and-white nightmare where various aliens ruin Valerie's afterglow. She wakes up in the morning to take a handful of birth control pills. Again THIS IS NOT HOW BIRTH CONTROL WORKS.

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53. If Jeff Goldblum puts his shirt back on it is a crime against cinema.

54. Call the police. 

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55. HE HAS TWO HEARTS! Is Mac a Time Lord? How deep does this Doctor Who connection go!?

56. Ugh. Ted's back again. There's a Jeff Goldblum-looking hottie in her pool who has a love touch and cares about her and plays piano and did I mention he looks like Jeff Goldblum!? GET IT TOGETHER, VAL!

57. They've offered the flimsiest excuse for another Julie Brown song number. She's a blonde now, bullying brunettes, and outing fakers. I'm not mad at any of this, even if I wouldn't be allowed on her beach.

58. Confession: I sang this song a lot as a kid. In secret. I suspected I wouldn't be allowed to watch this movie, so I hid it. It's fine. It worked out. I'm awesome.

59. "I know lots of people are smarter than me, but I have this philosophy: So what?!" Look at her! She has all the confidence of a mediocre male!  TEACH ME YOUR WAYS BLONDE CANDY!

60. To escape police custody, Mac love touched the male cops, and now these partners in the force will be partners in love! The abruptly femme voices are #problematic. Still, the message is clear: We need more aliens, more love, and more Goldblum.

61. Val is able to explain away all of these aliens' weirdness (spouting of random words, lack of last names, general social awkwardness) with "They're a rock band." Checks out.

62. Valerie has stolen a nurse's uniform, and I want ER rebooted with Davis and Goldblum please.

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63. Throwing your voice is a great way to drive a bad man insane. This feels like useful information.

64. Random chance to pet a dog? Sure. Good doggo!

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65. You know that thing where you're so rattled you can't tell that three men are huddled in the back seat of your car? Ted knows. (Shhhh! They're hiding.)

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66. You know that thing where your boyfriend is a cheating scoundrel and his favorite pastime is undervaluing you, but you decide to marry him anyway? Val does.

67. You know that thing we're you're rooting for alien abduction? I do.

68. The aliens are going to fly away and leave Val to elope with garbage Ted in Vegas. "Oh, Webloc, I think I'll miss you least of all." Same, Val. Same.

69. Davis and Golblum have great mouths. And those mouths were married to each other.

70. Oh. Oh no. Mac has love touched Val and Ted so the humans can be happy together. NO I REJECT THIS. TED IS AN ASTRONOMICAL ASSHAT! SOMEONE CALL NASA!

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71. "It didn’t work! Take me with you!" My heart can't take this, you guys. Either of them. I mean … the one. The one human heart I have.

72. "Wait, you guys can't leave without margaritas!" Candy, you are a true friend.

73. Relationship goals.

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74. Ted's found a new love too!

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75. And they flew off into the sunset, and into a sex metaphor, happily ever after … as long as he keeps up on his personal grooming.

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