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78 thoughts I had while watching The Mummy (1999)

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Jun 28, 2017, 11:00 AM EDT

With all the (negative) hype surrounding Tom Cruise's latest blockbuster (flop), The Mummy, starring Sofia Boutella as the titular character, I decided it was only right to revisit the 1999 incarnation of the film, starring Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz, with renewed eyes.

Please note, a lot of my thoughts may be inherently biased, as 1) This is the only The Mummy film I will acknowledge until I see something else that gives me the same feels, because 2) This iteration of The Mummy actually inspired me to become an Egyptologist.

Yes, people really do want to be those things — it’s not a profession you can have if you’re in a movie. It’s a real thing.

Either way, check out the whopping 80 thoughts I had while watching 1999's The Mummy:

1. This intro shot with all the statues is pretty damn awesome, but everything gets dark when they shoot to Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo). He just looks sinister ...


2. Did we ever realize that Ancksunamun (Patricia Velasquez) was wearing mostly body paint?

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3. Was she not cold just wearing body paint? How messy did it get when she and the Pharaoh or Imhotep had sex — can you imagine having to do that body paint all over again?

4. Also, couldn't she have explained away the smear … "I felt scarab creeping up on me" or "I had a serious itch"?

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5. Ancksunamun was pretty upset with Pharaoh when she stabbed him. She drew first blood. Imhotep didn't even raise his sword before girly stabbed dude in his back.

6. Totally wasn't fair that Imhotep's priests were mummified alive. That was cruel — so was the curse on Imhotep. And they knew it. Why else give him all these powers if he came back alive? It was basically saying, "If you come back from this cruel and ridiculously inhumane curse, you should kill all of us."

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7. This curse still doesn't make sense, though. If Imhotep was such trash, why not give him a trash curse to like come back in the form of a roach anyone can step on?

8. Ardeth Bay (Oded Fehr) was such a hottie. Even all those tattoos under his eyes are hot.

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9. Beni (Kevin J. O’Connor) was such a wimp. He deserved his "comeuppance."

10. Do they ever explain what this war that Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser) is waging is even about? Just seems like Middle Eastern men fighting more Middle Eastern men at some ruins … though he did speak French. I guess they were kinda French, then?

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11. Imhotep's spirit must've been pure evil if it made those horses just collapse like that.

12. I bet Ardeth wished he had killed Rick at the beginning of the film.

13. My greatest fear is falling off a ladder, and Evie (Rachel Weisz) on that ladder gives me anxiety every time.

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14. Also, why didn't she just grab onto the shelf and steady herself?

15. I think The Curator (Erik Avari) was a bit harsh on Evie saying he'd rather the plagues of Egypt over her. Even though it was good foreshadowing, if he had some locusts biting his ass, he'd probably be happy with a few fallen bookcases.

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16. Can we also talk about how creepy Jonathan (John Hannah) was for bunking in a sarcophagus with a mummified being to scare his sister? That's real sibling love and rivalry.

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17. When Rick punches Jonathan, Evie steps over her brother like he didn't just get punched in the face by a man he stole from who’s in prison.

18. For a man in jail, Rick's got some pretty clean teeth … I wonder if his breath was OK during that kiss.

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19. That jail warden was quite the a-hole … how you wanna get a piece of Evie? She's not that kind of girl, sir.

20. Evie was all kinds of smitten when she saw Rick cleaned up, though. All those bedroom eyes being tossed around … Then again, she did save his life. It was love from the beginning.

21. What a coincidence to find a bunch of Americans heading into Hamunaptra, too. I guess it's the hot spot for all the kids.

22. I still don't get why Evie was mad about Rick's reasoning to kiss her. The man was going to die. Wasn't it a compliment that he wanted the touch of a woman before meeting his maker?

23. How wide is the Nile? Rather, how close to the shore was that boat traveling with Rick throwing Beni overboard like that — or jumping overboard himself, or everyone abandoning the ship with horses?

24. The boat burning was totally Rick's fault. He should've been aiming much better, otherwise he wouldn't have shot the lamp, which set the couch on fire.

25. Also, in 30 minutes alone, Evie has saved Rick's life twice.

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26. I find it kinda crazy that no one thought to actually douse the fire on the boat.

27. The power of a veil … did you see the way Rick looked at Evie when she was dressed like the native Egyptian women? I guess there is something to keeping a bit of the physicality a mystery.

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28. The music in this movie is EVERYTHING. Jerry Goldsmith did the damn thing.

29. Where do the medji sleep? Must be nearby if they're always on those rocks watching over everything.

30. I never understand this part of the film where they all wait to be "shown the way" to Hamunaptra. Was it that sunlight has to touch Hamunaptra for it to be seen, or was it always there?

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31. If it's there, then there's nothing special about the sunlight illuminating the site. Furthermore, if it was a city 3,000 years ago, why is there need for a special, magical pathway?

32. Evie winning the race to Hamunaptra is now the third time she's saved Rick. (She saved him $500 in a bet. It counts.)

33. Egyptologist: "They're led by a woman. What does a woman know?" Um, everything. Also, if he was really an Egyptologist, he would've known about the statue of Anubis, now wouldn't he?!

34. Rick was so cute trying to gift Evie a stolen or "borrowed" digging kit.

35. "Damn Yanks" and "Beastly Americans" was the most anti-American this movie ever got about a group of people trying to steal the wealth of Egypt from the Egyptians — especially when the Egyptologist sent the Egyptian workers to their deaths with that booby trap.

36. Did anyone ever figure out that the Warden died from a scarab beetle eating his brains or nah?

37. Also, did we notice that every time someone leaves a room, Jonathan always makes sure to grab the key?

38. The medji could've just told the diggers to leave instead of risking members of their crew being shot at. Those poor Egyptian diggers were killed for no reason.

39. Drunk Evie is the best and gave the best quote of the film: "What is a place like me doing in a girl like this?"

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40. Also, Evie's drunken kiss totally missed his lips, but definitely landed in his lap — but is that a bad thing, though?

41. "Let's make sure we don't bring anyone back from the dead, then." OK. So you Americans hear this whole story about someone who will come back to life, kill you and bring hell on earth … but you still open the chest and take the jars. Yup. Y'all were asking for death.

42. So Evie adds that this curse, the "Humdai," is so bad a person will come back with the Ten Plagues of Egypt. But oh no, we still wanted to take jars and read from the Book of the Dead. OK.

43. Can you only imagine what would've happened if Imhotep woke up in today's time? He probably would've lost his ever-loving mind.

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44. Also, how BLIND was this Burns guy without his glasses — and why didn't Imhotep become just as blind when he took Burns' eyes? Just doesn't make sense.

45. The people in this movie are so damn ruthless. They give zero craps about people who fall on the ground. Everyone just stepping over each other, stepping on people's glasses, leaving people behind …  

46. Did Rick really think yelling at and then shooting a mummy would kill it? It's ALREADY DEAD, sir.

47. Beni is a crappy human being, but he's well versed in languages. And knowing the language of the slaves (Jewish people) saved him big time. Guess it's best we all learned a little Hebrew then, huh?

48. Again, Evelyn's decision to stay behind and "save the world" was her saving Rick yet again.

49. Beni is the absolute worst.

50. Evie also saved Imhotep … when she woke him up from that curse, if you really think about it.

51. Jonathan really studied the plagues from the Bible. He quotes every one as it happens.

52. Not really sure what the Egyptologist thought he was doing running through the city when he should've been on the first thing smoking out the country.

53. The CGI in this film really isn't the best … but it was what it was.

54. Imhotep's breath must be really stank with all those flies coming out of it. And he kissed Evie with that mouth? Poor Evie ... kissing jailbirds and dead men. She deserves better.

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55. Why didn't these guys just get rid of the jars?! Like break them or toss them into the ocean or something. Wouldn't that have slowed Imhotep's progress down?

56. Evie's walking around in her nightgown twice in this movie. Thankfully, no one sexualizes her over it.

57. Oh yeah, Evie was the one to find out where the gold book of Amun Ra was located. Again, homegirl was just out here saving lives and sticking it to Bembridge Scholars.

58. Again, they just let the last American guy just fall out the car knowing it would lead to Imhotep's regeneration. These people just didn't care.

59. Also, how did Imhotep sway this mob?

60. "For all eternity, idiot." Even when Evie's being hunted down, she's still got time to correct Beni and prove to Bembridge she's got what it takes to translate Ancient Egyptian better than a man. Get it, girl.

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61. The Curator had time to save himself if he stopped trying to kill the mob. I think he just wanted to die in battle.

62. Why didn't Imhotep teleport himself, Evie and Beni closer to Hamunaptra? It seemed like quite a walk.

63. Rick must not be that bright to think bullets were going to stop a sandwall in the shape of Imhotep's face.

64. The real MVP of this movie is Imhotep's jaw.

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With all the mouth-opening tricks, Arnold Vosloo had to have someone massaging his mouth.

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65. "Nasty little fellows like you always get their comeuppance … always." Never a truer statement.

66. Imhotep waking up the dead priest through the hieroglyphs in the wall was a pretty neat trick. I can't tell lies.  

67. Shouldn't Jonathan have had a big hole in his shoulder from where Rick dug out the scarab?

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Why is there cloth wrapped around his hand again? Continuity issues, people …

68. Now, Beni could've left with his weight in gold, but he had to be greedy and go back for more. Oh well.

69. The look of satisfaction on Imhoptep's face when Jonathan wakes up the Pharaoh's guards and they immediately go after Rick is priceless.

70. Not sure how Ancksunamun was alive to run around after Evie if the incantation wasn't finished. Last time he did this — you know, 3,000 years ago — her spirit drifted back into the pool of undead water.

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This time, however, it stays in her dried, mummified body? Continuity issues, folks.

71. No lie, Imhotep's tush was looking kinda nice in those ancient short-shorts of his.

72. And Evie saves Rick's life twice in one scene. What's that, like, the 5th or 6th time she does that in this movie?

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73. And Imhotep dies again … sucks for you, bro.

74. It's amazing that this temple had a self-destruct lever, which Beni activates with a bag of gold.

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The medji could've just gone in there, pulled down the lever and tumbled the whole thing down AGES ago, instead of spending sleepless nights on a cliff. I tell you …

75. And despite everything, Rick was willing to help save Beni. Not me. He was gonna die that day after all he'd done.

76. I like how Ardeth makes his return with some bandages on his fingers. What did the mummies do, gnaw on them?

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77. Rick saying he wasn't going home empty-handed 'cause of Evie? Priceless.

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78. These poor camels. Left alone to their own devices. Shuffled around into dangerous lands, and now dragging home people AND their treasures. Someone should call PETA.

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