Aliens queen hero

8 cinematic monsters ranked by their romantic potential

Contributed by
Mar 15, 2018

In light of the human-amphibian romance at the heart of The Shape of Water, it feels like we could have overlooked some positive qualities in other well-known movie beasts and monsters. Let's revisit a few to work out whether they might actually be relationship material.

First, let's quickly set out some ground rules.

Rule one: Biological entities only. No Daleks or terminators. Nothing robotic.

Rule two: Species is not a concern.

Rule three: Aliens count. Just because you're from another planet doesn't mean you're not a viable life partner.

Rule four: Gender is not a concern. If we're not being fussy about species, we should definitely remain open-minded about gender.

Rule five: Looks are not a concern. Don't be shallow. We're looking for a long-term relationship here, so other more important characteristics take precedence.

Now on to our contenders …

Under the Skin

Credit: A24

The "woman" in Under the Skin

Let's deal with this first because while I literally just said that looks aren't a concern, I just know that a whole bunch of you are going, "Yeah, well I'm going for Scarlett Johansson in Under the Skin anyway."

Okay, first of all, let's be clear that the woman in Under the Skin only looks like Scarlett Johansson 99 percent of the time. That may sound like a large percentage, but the remaining 1 percent is crucial. You can try and forget about it, but the knowledge that your partner fundamentally doesn't look at all like Scarlett Johansson is really going to gnaw away at you, I'd say.

Secondly, and far more importantly, when the woman in Under the Skin seduces you, you end up indefinitely submerged in black liquid. I would argue that this is not a quality you are looking for in a partner.

Verdict: Not relationship material.

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Predator

Predator is intelligent and would almost certainly be handy to have around for minor home repairs, but on the downside, his hobby (blood sport) has descended into an obsession.

I don't feel that Predator would be around all that much because he'd be off doing blood sport all the time. And even when he was around, he's such a gadget nerd that he'd be idly reading bloodsportgadgets.com on his phone the whole time, weighing up his next expensive purchase and grunting non-answers to your questions.

Verdict: Not relationship material.

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Stripe from Gremlins

Never mind the murder and mischief, I think Stripe's most relevant quality here is that he's hell-bent on creating a volume of offspring that most of us would consider excessive.

First, he jumps into a YMCA swimming pool to spawn countless Gremlins. Second, towards the end of the film, he attempts to repeat the trick in a fountain.

I have precisely one child. If you have no children, let me tell you that even one child is quite a lot of children. Stripe is therefore a lot to take on.

Verdict: Not relationship material.

Calypso, Pirates of the Caribbean

Credit: Walt Disney Studios

Calypso from Pirates of the Caribbean

Calypso gave her boyfriend Davy Jones the job of collecting the souls of those who died at sea and ferrying them to the next world.

If giving someone a (very difficult) job isn't an odd way to embark upon a relationship, she also agreed to meet Jones only once a decade. This would seem an unusually small time commitment from a partner, but she also failed to show up.

Verdict: Not relationship material. Also, strictly speaking, Calypso is a goddess, not a monster (although you could certainly argue that standing someone up like that is kind of monstrous on some level).

Davy Jones, Pirates of the Caribbean

Credit: Walt Disney Studios

Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean

Having inexplicably agreed to the above arrangement, you can't fault Jones' commitment. However, he did react unusually badly to being stood up.

Imprisoning Calypso in the body of a mortal woman maybe wasn't all that bad, but Jones then felt so guilty about what he'd done that he ripped out his own heart on the grounds that it had betrayed him.

Weathering arguments and then learning from them is a key part of any successful long-term relationship. I do not believe that someone who rips out a vital organ after each disagreement is a person with enormous capacity for growth.

Verdict: Committed, but somewhat lacking in perspective. Not relationship material.

Babadook

Credit: IFC Films

The Babadook

No way. Just imagine living with the scary bastard. You'd get no sleep. I can think of no redeeming features.

Verdict: Not relationship material.

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Chewbacca

Chewbacca is loyal, furry and not unduly talkative. Personally, I take all of these as being positive qualities. On the downside, he is over 200 years old.

This particular detail had rather passed me by, but it seems significant. I've had conversations grind to a halt before now because the other person didn't know what Weekend at Bernie's was. Shared cultural references are important and I think it's safe to conclude that no matter how old you are, a relationship with Chewbacca is going to involve a sizable age gap.

Verdict: You could try, but that age gap just seems insurmountable to me.

Alien, Xenomorph queen

Credit: 20th Century Fox

Xenomorph queen

If there's one thing we learn from the Aliens scene when Ripley goes back for Newt, it's that the xenomorph queen has strong maternal instincts.

"Okay, okay, don't touch my eggs," is the gist of her reaction when Ripley hefts her flamethrower threateningly. This is good. You want a partner who will care for your kids.

And there's another benefit too. Anyone with children will tell you that the optimal number of adult carers per child is somewhere around 16. Only with 15 other adults helping out can you do your job, buy food, cook, sleep, get exercise and maybe watch a bit of TV.

Honest to God, what I wouldn't give to have a whole hive of xenomorphs on hand to run errands and get up in the middle of the night and all that.

Verdict: This one's a keeper.

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