A FANGRRLS guide to surviving Black Friday

Contributed by
Nov 22, 2018, 1:00 PM EST

We all love a bargain. And there is no holier day for bargain hunters than Black Friday, the day we step away from the turkey and trimmings in search of value. 

But at what cost, we ask? At what cost?

If you go in blind, you might lose more than a sweet deal on a Roomba. We've seen the Black Fridays and the damage done. We lost some good people out there (we'll never forget you, Donna! We know that extra PS4 controller was worth it!) and we've learned the lessons necessary to survive this vicious day. Read our tips. And, please. Be careful out there.

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Dress appropriately

Make sure you dress for the elements. Yeah, sure, dressing for weather, whatever. But mostly we mean iron, lead, titanium, sh*t people use to make swords and other weapons. Chainmail will suffice — bonus points if you werk the lewk Aunty Entity style avec clivage — but try layering it with a moisture-wicking undershirt. You don't want to start rusting.

Have a plan

In the game of doorbusters, you win or you die. You want that Instapot for 20% off? So do 13,000 other locals. Have your day mapped out. Literally. As in, you'll need a copy of blueprints for each store, complete with air ducts and weak points for you to burst through a wall or ceiling panel, neutralizing your target and nabbing those hand towels. They're only $3 apiece. You're practically making money. Also, you'll need them to clean up the blood. So much blood. 

Be mindful of your fellow shoppers

We're all in this together, after all, and it's the holidays. Togetherness. Love. Friendship. These are all things you can use to lull your fellow shoppers into a false sense of security before clotheslining them and grabbing that MacBook, then hitting them with the MacBook because they've trained for this day too and they won't stay down. Trust us. They never. stay. down.

Don't be afraid to splurge


Not every deal is created equally. Sometimes you get an 80%-off steal, and sometimes you clock a grandma in the nose to get a Switch for $5 off. It's all about the thrill of the chase. And various wares for moderate discounts, but mostly the chase. The most dangerous game, truly. If you go full Bride vs. Black Mamba for less than 10% off, you must really want it. Treat yourself! And, seriously, get more hand towels. You'll need to wrap your trophy organs in something.

Oh, and that reminds us...

Make sure to pack a snack

It's a rough day and you might hit a blood sugar crash from all that pie yesterday. Bring some protein! Or, again, yank it from the chest cavity of Dave over there. WE SAW THAT COPY OF RDR 2 FIRST, DAVE.

Be prepared to extract yourself from the situation if it gets too intense

At a certain point, even the most prepared Black Friday shopper is outmatched. Don't lose your head; just walk away. Seriously, Karen will take your head. She has a closet full of Black Friday heads. It's like Princess Mombi's bedroom at Karen's house. That new Fitbit isn't worth it.