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A gif recap of the most ridiculous X-Files season 11 premiere moments

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Jan 4, 2018, 3:04 PM EST

Welcome to Season 11 of The X-Files. We're starting off with the third installment of "My Struggle" since people generally disliked the first two so much. It's basically the same way Bright got a sequel.

Anyway, let’s catch you up on the first 10 seasons and two movies of The X-Files. Here’s what you need to know: NOTHING. Because none of it matters and even if you watched all 209 episodes you still wouldn’t understand WTF is going on now other than Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) is too good for this world. A bunch of Season 10 was retconned (aka it never happened) and we’re re-writing some original X-Files history too. This will be fun.

First of all, at some point in the 30 seconds since we last saw Mulder (David Duchovny) he learned a few new skills like how to outmaneuver professional assassins on a busy highway at night. Someone watched Baby Driver too many times because this is not how the real world works.

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

Seriously, the automotive budget for this episode alone seems excessive. It’s like a never-ending road trip. At every turn, someone is getting into a car crash.

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

And then there’s Cigarette Smoking Man (William B. Davis). Remember last season when he used a tube to breathe? Neither do the people making the show. He’s ALL GOOD. Except that he’s still alive and even has another cigarette smoking friend who just wants to colonize space after the Earth is ruined. These two are #meanttobe

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

But damn, the ladies of The X-Files certainly pocketed some of that alien DNA and aged gracefully. Monica Reyes (played by Annabeth Gish and basically the only women on the show besides Scully) is the epitome of the fire emoji this season. It almost makes up for the fact she has been completely assassinated as a character. Almost.

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

Back to Mulder who does some first class snooping at a house made of glass that seems to have absolutely no security system. Impressive breaking into that unlocked mansion. Glad you took the time to traipse through the bushes wearing a suit in daylight. Bet they didn't see you coming.

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

Meanwhile, Scully should also not be driving. Team, let's just all agree to stay away from cars for a while. Scully left the hospital where her brain was “on fire” (that’s a very scientific medical condition) to go search for information on her son William’s adoption and welp, there’s a reason why they tell you not to operate heavy machinery on meds. Luckily, Scully still had her medical band. Did you know those things are reusable? Scully cares about the environment.

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

Skinner is debating whether he should abandon the human race and turn on the only people in the world who still seem to for some reason trust him. It apparently requires a 20-minute explanation of the plan in a parking garage for him to decide if he’s the second worst human on the show. But he does get that stale cigarette smell thrown in for free.

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

Scully can now check "attempted strangling" off her abuse Bingo card because a seizure, car crash, and "brain fire" weren't enough for one episode. So why does Gillian Anderson continue to grace us with her presence on this show at all? The world may never know.

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

Also, I guess we missed the part where Mulder became a stone cold killer and had no problem slitting a dude’s throat with a scalpel. Another newly acquired skill?

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

And then Mulder immediately gets into playground fisticuffs with Skinner. Put ‘em away boys, no one wants to see two middle-aged men slap each other.

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

Mulder and Scully are together again! Let’s celebrate this one single moment of (semi) happiness in the entire 43 minutes because it’s not what the people are here for or anything.

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The X-Files “My Struggle III” (Courtesy of FOX)

But tbh, nothing matters because by the end of the episode all you remember is the fact that Chris Carter couldn’t let Scully making one single choice in her life and he’s never giving her a f**king desk.

Next week, let's just agree not to drive anywhere, please.

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