We see you, Jonathan Edward Bernthal. You’re inexplicably missing from rom-com flicks, but that’s only because The Powers That Be don’t share our refined taste. Your shy smile, grippable ears, and self-proclaimed battered nose are a perfect frame for those mysterious yet kind dark eyes that threaten to consume our souls. A close-cut 'do suits you well but our knees give way when your longer, well-coiffed hair pairs with a goatee that hugs your well-crafted jawline. As a matter of fact, you can pull off a five o’clock shadow, bare face, and any level of facial hair in-between in glorious fashion. Everything from a sweater and boots to a suit and tie fits your frame with flawless ease because you’re FINE fine.
Spoiler alert: Your humbleness and/or complete oblivion makes us even more thirsty. But, the FANGRRLS of the world’s love for you is more than just an admiration of your aesthetics. The comic characters you have brought to life and your fervent love for fans is truly worthy of all the moans, lip bites, and heart-eyed emojis.
In 2010, The Walking Dead fans were immeasurably blessed with a live-action version of the very shady Shane Walsh. We hated him in the comics and he was an awful friend who became completely unhinged on TV, but giving him your face made us have all the lusty feels. The southern drawl, half-buttoned shirts, and expert gun skills led to us having it bad for Shane.
And a collective fandom squee radiated across the galaxy when you brought Shane back to bid Rick Grimes farewell. The Walker Stalker panels, geek con photos, and genuine interactions with rabid fanbase years after Shane’s demise are all signs of your deep appreciation for The Walking Dead universe.
Yes, we went back through that season and fast-forwarded to all the Punisher scenes. Yes, we have watched that prison fight scene 768 times. Yes, we have made all the jokes about how we’d love for Frank to, ahem, punish us. No, we don’t feel any shame about fawning over a man who can viciously tear someone apart and then go to the diner for black coffee.
There’s a direct correlation between Frank Castle getting bloody, bruised, and broken, and an uptick in our heartbeat. You can treat us like Beth the bartender or let us participate in your Frank Castle workout plan any day that ends with Y. The level of vulnerability, humor, heartbreak, wisdom, rage, passion, and dogged determination that you brought to this role in The Punisher somehow took the iconic comic character and made him better.
How did you do it? Oh yeah, you perused comic book stores across America and delved into Frank’s mind while taking suggestions from diehard fans. It resulted in a gripping performance worthy of all the awards and praise. This is the Punisher that we have wanted our whole lives and he is mind-blowingly attractive.
You look good whether you are riding a horse, hanging out on set, or showing off your boxer’s body. A double tap is always a must when you show up on the Instagram timeline. Basically, you’ve captured millions of geek girl hearts and we will follow you right to the Sopranos sequel or anywhere else you go — especially when you land the rom-com leading role of our dreams.
So, this is our token of love and appreciation for you, Jonny B — the slayer of walkers, the fearless vigilante, comic fan lover, comic con charmer, barroom brawler, street justice server, adorable father, weapons expert, and certified king of giving zero effs with both middle fingers in the air. You’re as hot as Death Valley and our man crush every day.