Okay, now that we have your attention, let's talk about sex. Specifically, let's take a look at some moments of pure, unadulterated, down and dirty passion in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The MCU is a stridently PG-13 franchise that's designed to appeal to as wide an audience as possible, so as is typical with such family-friendly series, the movies aren't exactly weighed down by orgies.
Of course, that's not to say they're without their pleasures. We're only human, after all, and not even the eternal sweetness of The Walt Disney Company can deny a bit of beefcake now and then. Sure, it's not much, but you don't see us saying no to it now, do you? We like what we like and we're here to enjoy that for intensely deep and thematically interesting reasons. This is unrelated to any drama you may have heard concerning beloved Spanish auteurs who make unbearably sexy movies and whose opinions we deeply respect.
Captain America’s sweaty chest
Steve Rogers' metamorphosis into the all-American hero of strength, dignity, and 4 percent body fat is an image that lingers long in the imagination. He’s sweaty, he’s panting, he’s got pectorals you could shelter under in a rainstorm. He’s the future of Hitler-punching thirst (and don’t think that doesn’t get us hot under the collar, too.) Peggy Carter’s got the right idea when she sees him post-serum: She goes in for the touch. Would that we were all so lucky.
Everyone loves a bad boy and few villains in the MCU have gotten fans so enthusiastic to join the dark side as Tom Hiddleston's refined f***-boy Loki. He's the smarmy younger brother who you'd love to get Shakespearean on (trust us, Shakespeare is filthy and Hiddleston knows that well). After Hulk smashes him into the concrete and the Avengers capture him, he's sent back home in chains with the most technologically stylish gag we've ever seen. You know, for when your casual sessions of sadomasochism just aren't space-agey enough. He can burden us with glorious purpose all he wants.
Hela Gets Her Crown
Cate Blanchett can pull off any look but that smoky black eye combined with her generally competent evil and dominant set of antlers on her crown make her a queen of indomitable allure that had us ready to kneel quicker than anyone else in the MCU (sorry not sorry, Loki.) She's the very embodiment of every tweet you've ever seen where someone asks the object of their affection to literally murder them. It's a concept we didn’t entirely understand until Hela stopped that hammer and had Asgard at her feet. We are not worthy.
Valkyrie packs heat
Speaking of Thor: Ragnarok, how could we overlook our other queen of eternal glory, Ms. Tessa Thompson? She has her fair share of thirst moments in the movie but none got our gander up quite as much as when she stepped up to that gun, did that gleeful shimmy, then started shooting. We admire a strong woman who can ride a winged horse, drink any man under the table, then take on the world. She's looking for a queen in Thor: Love and Thunder. We volunteer as tribute.
Thor Ragnarok: Thor talking to Hulk
Look, Chris Hemsworth is a handsome man. To deny that would be like claiming the sky isn’t blue and Pratt isn't the worst Chris (spoiler alert: he totally is.) However, in the first two Thor films, the didn’t quite have the look down. There were those awful bleached eyebrows and he just seemed a tad too muscle-y. However, in Thor: Ragnarok, the stars aligned. He looked lean and mean, he was funny as all hell — the ultimate turn-on — and then there was that haircut. He was like a new Asgardian. Ragnarok is pretty horny. Taika Waititi is clearly one of us.
Cap's Beard Emerges From the Shadows
Honestly, the mere existence of Chris Evans in the MCU offers a ceaseless source of sexy that’s kept this franchise steamy (often literally) for a decade. We could have filled out this entire list with nothing but Cap glory but it would have been unfair to the others in the series, not all of whom are named Chris. It's a truth universally acknowledged that a good looking man without a beard can only stand to get even hotter when they grow some well-groomed facial fuzz. Cap's beard enraptured us from the moment we saw it in the Avengers: Infinity War trailer, but that was nothing compared to it in context, as Steve stepped out from the shadows of Waverley Station ready to kick evil alien a**. He was serious now; that's what the beard was for! We mourn its loss every day. Chris Evans, come on and do the right thing for civilization and grow it back.
With apologies to Chadwick Boseman, Michael B. Jordan, Danai Gurani, Lupita Nyong'o, and Angela Bassett, all of whom are sexy on levels us mere mortals can only aspire to reach, the scene stealer of our thirst in Black Panther was M'Baku. Sometimes you just need a very tall man to stand over you and let you know who's boss. One glorious tweet summed it up: M'Baku could blow my M'Back out if he wanted to.
Carol and Thor's Hammer Time
What do you get when you combine a surly Asgardian's d*ck strutting display with the steely gaze of a superpowered human with no time for bullsh*t? You get the Captain Marvel-Thor stare-down of tension. Sexual tension. Not so much between the two but between them and everyone else in the universe. She doesn't even flinch when that Hammer swings past her ear. He likes this one. So do we, my friend. With focus and strength like that, imagine the combined possibilities.
Really, what more needs to be said? Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light the curves of that rear? Protecting it should be a constitutional right for all Americans. Take some time out of your day to be grateful for Cap's globes.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author's, and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY, or NBC Universal.