This is some damn fine ... iced ... coffee? The cologne that smells like space includes a "seductive fiery undertone"? Disney Parks now make ears that double as snack holders? Both Avengers: Endgame and Star Wars: Episode IX are available to stream right now, for free? What in seven hells is happening today? Wait, we just looked at a calendar. Forget everything we just wrote, especially the last rumor, because we just made it up.
In typical fashion, the internet has gone somewhat berserk on this annual day of insanity. While spreading false information really isn't a laughing matter, some bits of (fake) geeky news hit the web today that are harmless as well as hilarious.
If you've ever watched an episode of Twin Peaks, then you are probably familiar with Kyle MacLachlan's iconic lead character, Special Agent Dale Cooper. The man who gives himself a little gift every day has one major passion aside from being in the FBI — he loves coffee. Not just coffee, excuse us — he enjoys a damn fine cup of coffee. Hot, black, and that's it.
MacLachlan himself has celebrated Cooper's steamy beverage of choice over the years, but momentarily threw Twitter for a loop today when he tweeted that he is switching to iced coffee: "Friends, I’ve decided that I will only be drinking iced coffee. I am so sorry to disappoint, but my new tagline moving forward will be, “Damn fine coffee! And ice cold." He accompanies the news with a photoshopped image of Cooper holding an iced coffee, and it just looks so very wrong. What year is it?
Yeah, Cooper drinking iced coffee would be like Dougie Jones (a version of Cooper from Twin Peaks: The Return) actually speaking in full sentences — it wouldn't work.
But let's forget about coffee completely — have you ever wanted to wear cologne that smells like space? For a moment today, you may have thought it possible. Ars Technica reports that the aerospace contractor Lockheed Martin pulled a little prank of their own, announcing the release of a new fragrance "that smells like space." They described the scent as having "a deep metallic base" and a "clean, sterile feel that is balanced by a subtle yet seductive fiery undertone that burns off like vapor in the atmosphere." Supposedly the scent would make people of all ages feel like they were "floating through the cosmos."
Lockheed Martin even went so far as to produce the video below about the fragrance, called "Vector: An Origin Story." They also created a section of their website that "sold" the product. It's all a gag, of course, as we imagine that space most likely doesn't smell like anything. Watch the origin video right here and see if you aren't tempted, though:
Disney Parks got in on the act as well, producing a video promising that something called "Snears" would soon go on sale at Walt Disney World. What are Snears, exactly? Well, you take the classic Mickey Mouse ears that countless park visitors wear, turn the ears into cups for snacks, and there you go. Snacks+Ears=Snears. Guests in the parody video have full-on turkey legs coming out of their Snears, which makes them look like something out of Fantasia.
As Walt Disney World tweets, "Get your #Snears on! Check out the latest innovation in #WaltDisneyWorld snacking, and tell us which snack you’re going to style your Snears with."
The festivities carried over into late night, with Game of Thrones star Maisie Williams possibly pulling one of the best pranks of the day on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. In the middle of talking about big moments for Arya throughout the seasons, Williams seems to drop a seriously major spoiler for the upcoming final season. She plays it perfectly, scared to death about the ramifications, and barely manages to ask Fallon if her slip can be edited out. It's no wonder that Williams has taken off as an actor, because she plays the ruse to perfection.
Only after she walks off the stage in possible hysterics does Fallon follow, and then, of course, they reminded us all of what the date was.
Yeah, as much as you might want to douse yourself in Vector, drink iced coffee out of some Snears with Kyle MacLachlan, and think about the untimely death of Arya Stark, none of these things are real. With all of the tomfoolery, chicanery, and all-around hijinks going on, it's incredible that anyone manages to get any actual work done. That's probably why Microsoft went so far as to outlaw any and all April Fools' Day pranks.
According to The Verge, a memo went out to employees that banned pranks of any kind. Part of the reason, according to the memo, is that "these stunts have limited positive impact and can actually result in unwanted news cycles."
We have no idea what they are talking about. Now, if you'll excuse us, it's high time that we used our working transporter to attend a successful version of the Fyre Festival, which is being held in the nursery of a dragonglass castle, located on top of the sun. Pass us our Snears, please.
This article was updated on April 2nd, 2019.