Batman's 34 greatest tweets

Contributed by
Dec 14, 2012, 4:31 PM EST

You know those fake superhero Twitter accounts? Most of them are pretty lame. But you know whose isn't? God_Damn_Batman (Hey, even if it was, would YOU tell him? WE wouldn't!)

Check out our favorite tweets from the Dark Knight:

Hey Pattinson, lessons on real brooding: 1. Comb your hair down, you look retarded. 2. Watch your parents get murdered. 3. Get a cape.

Watch out criminal scum, I'm trying to kick caffeine again. And we all remembered what happened last time, don't we? DON'T WE!!!

Robin's skipping patrols tonight to go see Twilight Eclipse. Unrelated note: Tomorrow's training to include punch-withstanding and wedgies.

Alfred, do you really expect me to peel string cheese wearing these gauntlets? THAT'S WHY I ASKED FOR LUNCHABLES!

Yeah, my parents are dead. What's that you were saying about hating Mondays?

Joker's face: make-up or permanent? Punch Test reveals nothing. Will try Concrete Dragging next.

Hey iPhone developers. Can we get crackin on the "Solving Lame Riddles" App already Thaaaaanks.

Found the Twilight novels under Robin's bed. Thought about mocking him, but considering his life expectancy decided to let him have his fun.

What do you tell a two-bit criminal with two broken arms? "I'm starting on your legs next."

Going to help with the clean up effort in the Gulf. And by "clean up effort" I mean breaking some BP exec's knee caps.

We'll miss you, Jack Bauer. If you ever come out of exile, I've got a pair of green ankle shoes and a yellow cape waiting.

I hate Mother's Day. It's a fake holiday created by greeting card companies and people whose parents aren't murdered.

Hey Tony Stark, there's a "Rich Drunk Douchebags Anonymous" meeting tomorrow. I'll sign you up for a seat. With my fists.

How come no one uses the "The" anymore? I miss the "The."

Arkham is a disgusting, human rights-violating hellhole. It's like my Disneyland.

First day of summer. Maybe I'll open a lemonade stand. Where the lemonade is compound fractures.

You could say my dad made me who I am today. By taking four bullets to the chest in a dirty alley. Happy Father's Day.

Two things criminals should know. 1. I assume you don't have health insurance. 2. I break the most expensive bones first.

How do you beat the Lakers? Send me into Staples Center, alone, and kill the lights. You're welcome, Celtics.

The Batman's Most Wanted: Joker. Ra's al Ghul. Joel Schumacher. Not necessarily in that order.

I brush my teeth with JUSTICE and floss with PAIN.

Was going to stop Joker from interrupting live broadcast of the Tony awards, but since no one is watching anyway decided to just stay home.

There's an art to crashing thru a skylight. Also, landing. Nothing worse than fighting Joker with wedding cake all over your bat-suit.

Saw the A-Team. Would've been better if instead of a "team" it was one man. Dressed like a bat. Who drives a stealth tank.

I'm not saying these World Cup guys aren't in shape, I'd just like to see them play in 50lbs of body armor with limited head motion.

Batcave renovations to include self-surgery station, upgraded armory, and MOTHER EFFING SHARK TANK.

I am Vengeance. I am the Night. I am mildly lactose intolerant.

TWITTER OVER CAPACITY?! DAMMIT. That's the SECOND Batcomputer monitor I've punched through this morning.

Destroyed 5 police cruisers, a tanker truck, a hipster's fixed gear bicycle, and an overpass support beam. All on my commute home.

What do I call my iPhone? The BATiPhone? The iBatPhone? These are the things that keep me up at night. Well that and the face punching.

Raided Penguin's lair while he was watching the Nat'l Spelling Bee. Here's a word you can spell, DENTALRECONSTRUCTIVESURGERY

Gordon was blabbing on about his feelings of inadequacy as dad/husband. So I disappeared. Wonder how long he stood there talking to himself?

No Alfred, I DON'T know what PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE means. Why don't you EXPLAIN it to me.

Gordon complaining Batsignal doesn't work on cloudless nights. Hey Commish, my parents are dead. Life sucks don't it?

(via Hero Complex)