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The X-Files, “Ghost in the Machine”Oh, the 1990s. You’ve got to love ‘em. This X-Files episode focused on an evil AI that started killing people to protect itself. The only problem? The writers knew next to nothing about computers, so instead of being frightening, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

Bring me these eight artifacts if you want to go on a date with me

Contributed by
Aug 8, 2019

Dating isn't easy in 2019. Sure, there are apps or other online options. And the old-fashioned idea of leaving your house. But despite all of the potential ways to meet "the one," it's even harder to know which ones are worth your time.

That's why I have a new solution.

Back in 1987, the badass Patricia Arquette gave Nicolas Cage a list of artifacts he had to collect for her before she would date/marry/go away with him. This seems like a totally logical and romantic idea that would work for a normal lady like myself. I mean, it worked for these Hollywood actors, what could go wrong? So, after swiping the right direction on Tinder or whatever, I now make all potential suitors round up all of the items I've ever needed in my life to be truly happy before I'm willing to go on a date with them.

In this day of unlimited options, I'd like to know that my potential true love is willing to go through whatever it takes (including possible jail time) to make sure they're dedicated before we venture out on a date together. Here's your quest, should you choose to accept.

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Captain Planet Cast

All of the rings from Captain Planet

Sure, they're animated and totally not something you can find, but these are the kinds of cultural artifacts that we need to preserve in this time of turmoil. Besides, with climate change, we basically need to summon Gaia every f*cking day.

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The remains of that 400-year-old arctic shark

Can you imagine outliving everyone you know by hundreds of years? That 400-year-old Greenland shark was pretty much the most badass lady on planet Earth, so putting her in a place of honor as a constant reminder that, no matter what's going on, I could outlive all men would be a nice bit of hope these days.

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First edition copy of Game of Thrones: Fire and Ice signed by George R.R. Martin and unreadably scorched by dragon fire

I know how that sh*t ends and I'd owe you for saving me hours of not having started it.

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The missing sex scene from The X-Files

There's a rumor that in the original run of The X-Files there was actually a sex scene shot between Mulder and Scully that never made it to the screen. Gillian Anderson alluded to it at the Comic-Con reunion panel in 2013 and even though Mulder and Scully finally had sex in the reboot, it's not the same as an unauthorized scene that ended up on the cutting room floor.

Keanu Reeves in John Wick Chapter 3

Keanu Reeves' Hockey Stick

Wow, get your mind out of the gutter. I'll have you know that Keanu is actually a very talented hockey player and even considered joining the NHL. So if I could have just one item that Keanu touched for hours while sweaty and skating around with lots of other sweaty men, it'd be his hockey stick.

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Any mummy (I'm not picky)

This is just part of my ultimate plan to have Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz show up at my house for tea one day unannounced. I am open to making it a double date.

The Haunted Mansion

Proof that a real ghost is hiding amongst the fake ghosts at Disneyland's Haunted Mansion

There have only been a few incidents of people dying at Disneyland over the course of the park's history, but I'm willing to bet that at least one of those Haunted Mansion ghosts is the real deal. Call in some ghost hunters or the Ghostbusters or whatever you need to do, but I want tangible evidence.

Nicolas Cage in National Treasure

The Declaration of Independence

Because I heard it's pretty easy to steal.

 

The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author's, and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY, or NBC Universal.

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