Chosen One of the Day: Power Rangers' boob armor

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Apr 28, 2017, 10:50 AM EDT (Updated)

Usually when we do a Chosen One of the Day here at Syfy Wire Fangrrls, it's a tribute to something we like. Think Dox Matrix from Spaceballs or Donnie Yen's sexy, sexy arms in modern-day masterpiece xXx: Return of Xander Cage. At the very least it's something we have a sense of oh, you fondness for, like Willow Rosenberg's horrible taste in hats in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

But do the wretched among us not deserve our compassion? Our care? Are they not in fact the most deserving, by virtue of being the most in need?

Power Rangers, we need to talk about your boob armor. It's time for an intervention.

I have resigned myself to the fact that Lionsgate's Power Rangers will probably not be ... what's the word... "good." It's directed by Dean Israelite, who helmed the dismally stupid teen time travel flick Project Almanac. From the trailers, it looks like Israelite has abandoned the goofy tone of its Mighty Morphin predecessors -- all puns and wholly unnecessary backflips and a villain called, honest-to-God, "Pumpkin Rapper" -- for one that more closely mimicks every single generic summer blockbuster to come out in the last five years. I'm 95% sure Power Rangers is going to have a sky portal. And how in the hell are you going to put Rita Repulsa in a skin-tight bodysuit? Her name is Rita Repulsa. Don't make her sexy! A Rita Repulsa who isn't wearing a burlap sack and a cone bra ain't no Rita at all!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. The movie's not out yet, so the possibility is still in the wind that Power Rangersis actually good, and it's just the marketing that makes it look like an overly serious pile of nothing. Marketing has been wrong before.

But one thing Power Rangers definitely has? Got-dang boob armor on the got-dang Pink and Yellow Rangers. For Zordon's sake, Power Rangers! You can do better than this!

Let's go over this. Boob armor -- by which I mean a chestplate that contours to the shape of its wearer's breasts -- is entirely impractical. Like can-kill-you impractical. At the very least uncomfortable -- underwire alone belongs in the ninth circle of hell, so an actual metal plate digging into your sternum while you're running and jumping and flipping and doing your Power Rangers business? Forget it. There's as little practical reason for boob armor as there is for nipples on the Batsuit. You want room for your boobage to fit, obviously, but each individual mammary melon doesn't need to be wrangled into its own metal coffin. Let the girls breathe a little! Presumably you're still wearing your underwear under the suit, which will provide any necessary support. Support which boob plate armor is definitely not able to provide.

Sports bras. Maybe you've heard of them.

I would really like to be able to see Power Rangers without my tits suffering from sympathy pains all the way through. Actually, I would like to be able to not see Power Rangers at all, but I'm a masochist, so there that is. But Power Rangers franchise, I have to believe that you can be better than this. I'm not asking for a return to the days of spandex and visible zippers, but have some respect for yourself and ditch the boob armor, I beg you.

Oh, and bring back Pumpkin Rapper.

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