Darren Criss is easily the most famous person to have taken part in the Harry Potter fandom’s absolute favorite live-action, unofficial version of our favorite series: A Very Potter Musical. But, despite playing the titular hero, and being the most celebrity, Criss isn’t my favorite.
No, that designation goes to none other than Lauren Lopez, who took on the role of Draco Malfoy and changed us all forever.
Let me set the scene: Crabbe and Goyle are viciously attacking (read as: incompetently bullying) Neville Longbottom. Hermione handles that sh*t, and says “Let’s leave these big and childish jerks alone.” And Harry says, “Yeah.” In American accents.
Off-screen, a voice with a British lilt booms out, “Did someone say Draco Malfoy?” and Lopez slinks onto the stage. (No, they didn’t.) She pauses for a second, her wig is bright blonde and Beatles-esque, she rubs her robes where the lapels would be, lapping up the audience’s applause. Then she loops a circle around the golden trio (she is easily the smallest of the four actors), espousing that Potter could hang with her, “a higher caliber of wizard” before doing a turn-and-pose that any of America’s Next Top Models would envy.
A Very Potter Musical’s Draco Malfoy is everything we wanted actual Draco Malfoy to be. He’s absurd, petty, he inexplicably rolls around like a cat, and he hates Hogwarts. Luckily for Malfoy, next year he’s leaving Hogwarts for Pigfarts, it’s on the moon, and run by a lion named… Rumbleroar... who can talk.
Draco largely spends the play rolling around on the floor, complaining about Harry, slowly falling for Hermione, and generally stealing every scene the character is in.
All we can say is if A Very Potter Musical is any indication, the reign of Malfoy is drawing near, and it’s going to be Totally Awesome.