Chosen One of the Day: Lightning from Big Trouble in Little China

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May 2, 2017, 11:30 AM EDT (Updated)

It was announced back in 2015 that The Rock would be starring in a remake of John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China, a movie that joins the list of movies that doesn't need to be remade, but Hollywood can't stop, won't stop, so here we are. I know, The Rock is a national treasure, and I take nothing away from him. And this isn't about how my childhood will be ruined or blah blah, because there are plenty of real-life reasons for me to blame my childhood being ruined on, none of which have anything to do with remakes. I just personally think there’s plenty of original scripts out there worth being made and that the movie industry should stop being lazy and blatantly pandering to people's nostalgia for money. But what do I know?

ANYWHO, the remake is still supposedly a go, which despite my early mini-rant, this post really isn't about that. This is about one of Lo Pan's under-utilized minions, and the movie's biggest scene stealer ... and I don't mean his guardian.

I’m talking about Lightning, one of The Three Storms.

Lightning was by far the coolest of Lo Pan's weathery henchmen and for whatever b.s. reason met a fast and lame demise. He deserved better than that. He was lightning! People are more afraid of being hit by actual lightning in real life than anyone in the movie was of a guy WHOSE POWER WAS THE MANIFESTATION AND CONTROL OF LIGHTNING. The Weather Channel is chock full of dangerous lightning-strike porn on their site, so you know lightning is NO JOKE and popular with viewers. A single bolt of has 30,000 amps of charge, 100 million volts of electric potential and is 50,000 degrees Fahrenheit, and this guy HAS THE POWER OF THAT RUNNING THROUGH HIS BODY.

Yet Big Trouble in Little China treats it like static electricity. WHAT?!?! Sure, focus on Thunder, arguably the least cool of the three. Oooooo he can inflate himself into a giant balloon! REALLY SCARY! Next.

Also, and this is very important: Lightning was hot, and I'm not referring to that 50,000 degrees, either. I mean he was a certified hottie. He was far and away the hottest bad guy, and I'm even going to call it: He was the hottest guy in the entire movie. Sorry, Kurt, take a seat.

Audience members were robbed because he didn't get nearly enough screen time for us to drool over him. We also were denied a scene that gave us hottie Lightning rocking glasses, because apparently James Pax (the hottie actor who played Lightning) looks EVEN HOTTER in frames.

Look at him. He's like a Japanese Clark Kent, and I am 100% here for that.

Why couldn't there have been a moment where business-class Lightning made an appearance in the movie? Obviously he worked in Lo Pan's crime organization and he didn't walk around in his villain outfit all day, which was also the coolest outfit out of the three, by the way. Hot guys always get the best clothes in a movie, so at least wardrobe knew what was up.

If you want me to care about this reboot, you need to cast an equally hot Lighting and show him and his mighty powers some respect this time around. I'll gladly offer up a list of acceptable actors to play him.

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