First things first: we’re going to be talking about the 1980 Flash Gordon movie. Anyone who’s had the experience of getting the Queen-performed theme song stuck in their head—so, anyone who’s seen the movie, basically—can go ahead and take this moment to get it out of their system.
SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE.
HE’LL SAVE EVERY ONE OF US.
Let’s talk about Brian Blessed.
In Flash Gordon, Brian Blessed plays Prince Vultan, the spirited and pugnacious (of course, because Brian Blessed) ruler of the Hawkmen. (Sit down, Jeremy Renner. This has nothing to do with you. Much like the Avengers: Infinity War marketing campaign. And a one, and a two, and a swish.)
Prince Vultan spends much of his screentime A) deciding if he wants to ally with Flash Gordon to defeat the evil Emperor Ming, B) trying to fight Timothy Dalton
due to a rivalry born of clear sublimated homoerotic lust C) making weird faces, and D) making the best possible use of his famous booming voice by screaming “DIE!!!!!” a lot.
It is to these last two points that I will direct your interest on this day.
Who doesn't want Brian Blessed to scream "DIE!!!" at them? Sometimes he screams "DIVE!!!," with a v, because these are flying spacemen and that's what they do sometimes. NBC should hire him to do commentary for the diving segments at the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo. Every time someone's about to take a leap off the diving board, "DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVEEE!"
And the pleasure that Brian Blessed provides in Flash Gordon is not just aural. Oh, no. Gaze upon the visage of a beautiful man.
Never before have I felt the entire spectrum of human emotion all at the same time.