Good afternoon, friends and gentle lovers. My name is Rebecca Pahle, and I am a human, adult person who pays taxes and has a 401(k) and occasionally says a swear. I am a high-level sophisticate. You can tell that this is true, because I own several blazers. I am well on my way to figuring out winged eyeliner. I can cook (no, I can’t), but I choose not to (no, it’s not a choice, I literally cannot cook to save my life), because I am an adult, and that is my adult-ly prerogative.
I can tolerate the taste of espresso when called upon to do so.
I am not a child.
But I want the Captain Phasma Build-A-Bear.
I want it desperately.
Look. It’s a teddy bear, and I’m an adult. I know this. What would I do with a teddy bear? Why would I allow it to take up space in my already cluttered Brooklyn apartment? Where would it go? Would Captain Phasma’s presence make my actual childhood teddy bear, creatively named Bear, feed bad, as if I have abandoned him? As if he is being replaced by a newer, cooler teddy bear? (This is a very real fear of mine.)
I will always love you, Bear. But…. Captain Phasma Builda-a-Bear has a cape.
Build-A-Bear is a racket, and I know this because my parents never took me there as a child—and if I’m not bitter about that, I’m not not bitter about that. What’s the deal, anyway? You go there, and there’s the outer bear, lying there all limp and dead and murdered-looking, and you fill it with stuffing? And then you buy accessories? And everything’s overpriced? The Chewbacca bear looks like he might murder me, and I don't know why but the Rey bear's eyelashes fear me with a visceral fear that the eldritch god are about to rise up from the ocean to consume everything I've ever loved in one fell swoop.
Why does a teddy bear need eyelashes?
The Captain Phasma Build-A-Bear doesn't have eyelashes.
I can make her sound like Darth Vader. I can buy her a second cape to put on top of her first cape. I can make her beat up the Boba Bear, because Boba Fett is a loser. We can be best friends. Captain Phasma Build-A-Bear, get out of my dreams and into my life.