Sorry, Nick Fury, but there’s only one eyepatch I recognize and it’s Colin Firth’s in Kingsman: The Golden Circle.
Yes, I know this movie came out a year ago. Yes, I know that technically speaking, it wasn’t as successful as the first film. But I’m willing to ignore all of the crude jokes about anal sex and whatever the hell Julianne Moore was doing in that jungle because the film gave us one, precious gift: Colin Firth in an eyepatch.
If you haven’t seen the movie yet and/or have no plans to, much respect. It’s a two-hour waste of your life. But nestled amongst scenes of Moore grinding men into hamburger meat and Taron Egerton fingering some poor girl at the Glastonbury Festival is a true gem of a man sporting a dangerous sex accessory.
That’s right, Harry Hart lives, and his swashbuckling ass will have you Googling “pirate kink” faster than you can say “Aye-aye, captain.”
Now, to understand why Harry Hart in an eyepatch is the thinking woman’s kryptonite, we’ve got to go back to the beginning, when a cherub-faced Firth played the man of every well-read prepubescent girl’s dreams, Mr. Darcy.
Firth could kill puppies, deny climate change, and ban green-bean casseroles every Thanksgiving until the end of time and our knickers would still get in a twist over him declaring his love for Elizabeth Bennet before admitting she’s his inferior in every way.
Oh, the 19th-century angst!
Over the years, Firth has continued his assault on our nether regions, playing the kind of woke, feminist boyfriends we could only dream of in some of the sappiest rom-coms we try to convince our significant others we’re just not into.
But it’s Colin Firth in a Mr. Porter suit paired with a seductively threatening patch over one eye that’s put the wind in our sails.
Forget fine wine — Colin Firth has aged like a lightly browned piece of toast. The doughy-ness of youth has tightened and firmed in all the right places. This Firth is aged, weathered, buttered and a bit crispy.
He’s experienced. He’s seen the world and he knows how to kill a man with just an umbrella and a catchphrase. He’s survived death and come out on the other side a new man with a new perspective. He sees the world differently. He sees it through just one eye.
Manners Maketh the Man but damn, that eyepatch is doing something for Mr. Harry Hart.
It carries an air of the forbidden, an allure of danger, and, when paired with a simple grey tracksuit, it can melt even the hardest of hearts.
And not only does this eyepatch have every red-blooded man and woman ready to cast off and set sail for open waters, but it’s also a mark of Harry Hart’s courage, his commitment to doing what’s right. He survived a bullet to the head, a kill shot, and his eyepatch is a warning to all his future enemies of his reborn give-no-fucks-attitude.
Shiver me timbers, bitches, because Colin Firth in an eyepatch is my new sexuality.