Chosen One of the Day: Dot Matrix

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Apr 28, 2017, 1:47 PM EDT (Updated)

To merely consider Spaceballs a Star Wars parody is selling it short. Spaceballs is a comedy classic. It's one of the most quotable movies of all time and still holds up decades later. It's one of those rare movies where it's actually hard to say which character is the best because there's easily five or six best characters. But today's Chosen One of the Day is the one and only screen icon, Dot Matrix.

It's obvious that Dot is a spoof of C-3P0, only a gazillion times cooler. Threepio is like the Cliff Claven of droids, and we all know Cliff is no match for Joan Rivers. While C-3P0 always rambled on about being a protocol droid (which is literally the most BORING thing you can build a robot to do, so how that didn't tip people off about Anakin, I'll never know), Dot was the ultimate wing woman and girl's best friend. She kept Vespa from making bad decisions and sleeping with guys who were probably just trying to hit it and quit it with her handy Virgin Alarm.

I have no doubt that when Vespa and Lone Starr (aka space Uncle Rico) got their eventual divorce, Dot was right at the Princess' side, consoling her while she drank too much Franzia and drunk-dialed her ex for a booty call. Dot was ride or die for Vespa. She embodied that whole "A good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'" meme.

I know there's a rumor about a Spaceballs sequel, and to be honest, I have mixed feelings. Spaceballs is one of my Top 10 movies of all time, as is Star Wars (my whole list is amazing so don't even try to judge), but how can you have a sequel without Barf and Dot? And I'm not exaggerating when I say John Candy and Joan Rivers are irreplaceable. Sure, Joan was polarizing, but she and John were comedic legends, and Candy was one of those rare people who could make a small supporting role memorable (John Goodman is the only other person that comes to mind, but they're two very different types of actors).

It's uncertain if the future will bring us a Spaceballs sequel, but hopefully, one day, it will bring young women of the future their very own real-life Dot Matrix androids. Until then, here's hoping your actual human friends keep you from sleeping with jerks this weekend and marrying boring losers always.

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