Generally speaking, our Chosen Ones tend to be pieces of the whole, like magical little pockets of "what is this bananapants perfect thing?" that inform a larger story. But today, today we’re going to talk about a little movie that is made up entirely of potential Chosen Ones of the Day: Guy Ritchie's 2017 beautiful disaster of a fantasy, King Arthur: Legend of a Sword.
Is there a wonderful woman who plays a Mage who can control animals by standing to the side and concentrating really, really hard? Yes.
Is there a giant-ass CGI snake who comes in and saves our hero, King Arthur, from the evil Vortigern at the last minute? Oh, absolutely.
Is there a supremely well-cast Charlie Hunnam as our King Doof, sorry — I mean Arthur, himself? YES!
How about a multi-bodied siren, who speaks in super creepy whispers, double-speaking their way through getting Jude Law to ruin his own damn life? Bro, are you even paying attention? Uh, yeah. This movie has it.
A sword that basically turns you into the Wolverine-berserker? Yup.
A very weird, and somewhat jarring cameo by prince of Soccer, Becks himself? You got it.
War elephants? You know he had to do it!!
This movie is just a collection of those aforementioned bananapants perfect things! I didn’t even get to the fact that this is a magical-isles-of-England movie, complete with R.O.U.S.es and a giant-ass bat, that is also laden with standard Guy-Ritchie-storytelling-technique. Fast cuts, narrating stories as they’re happening, but instead of listening to Jason Statham tell us about the caravan while Brad Pitt sits center at the scene, it’s Arthur explaining about Vikings.
Plus, dialogue gold???
The Scene: Arthur, frustrated with Excalibur.
The Mage: Pick it up. Pick it up with both hands.
King Arthur: YOU pick it up.
I could not possibly be expected to pick a single Chosen One of the Day from this completely absurd, amazing trash-ass movie. So today’s Chosen One is just the whole damn thing. Enjoy.