Chosen One of the Day: Kocoum from Pocahontas

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Jun 7, 2018, 4:40 PM EDT (Updated)

In discussions of Disney princes, Pocahontas' John Smith tends to fall by the wayside. For good reason. He sucks, first off. Disneyfication of colonialism and kidnapping ain't cool. And oh, the Mel Gibson of it all! And really, why are you even going to invest your time and energy lusting after any other Disney prince when Naveen from The Princess and the Frog is right there? Also Li Shang from Mulan. He can get it, too.

But John Smith being canceled multiple times over doesn't mean Pocahontas is lacking in the Pocahotness department. You remember Kocoum? If you were attracted to men and anywhere in the neighborhood of puberty when Pocahontas first came out, your loins, at least, sure do.


OK, so Kocoum's the victim of the same Disney prudery that stole Aladdin's nipples from him. Disney: whither the nips? And OK, Kocoum has some entitlement issues going on. If the Powhatan had a word for "friendzoning"—which is not a thing—it was probably named after this guy. He's into Pocahontas. She's into Mel Gibson. He... doesn't take it well, which I get, because Mel Gibson. But Kocoum, my dude, she just doesn't see you that way. Take a cue from your Disney brethren across the Atlantic and let it go.

With those bear tats, you know Kocoum could get just about anyone he wanted. Pocahontas' BFF Nakoma, for one, definitely would have let him take a ride in her canoe, ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo. She'd have slapped some sense into his Red Pill self if Christian Bale hadn't gotten off that one lucky shot and killed Pocahontas' hottest hunk of burning man-meat. John Smith and his fellow settlers: bad. Pocahontas: deserved better. Bear claw tats: really sexy. #KocoumWasRight.

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