Ho, ho, ho. Kurt Russell has created a new term: SILF (Santa I'd Like To F*ck).
Let me back up.
Mr. Russell, who may go down the annals of history as the actor with the finest facial hair moments on film — look it up — has a new gig. He’s playing Santa Claus in the Netflix holiday flick The Christmas Chronicles.
Is this a family-friendly movie that basically serves as a mash-up of the corniest Christmas tropes in cinematic history? Yes. Is it also a blatant rip-off of the patented Hallmark formula? Also, yes. But there’s one thing that saves this cheesefest and it is Sir Kurt Russell.
Wait, he hasn’t been knighted yet? What the hell is our homegirl Elizabeth doing across the pond other than telling Meghan Markle to cross her legs the right way?
I digress. Russell stars as Jolly Old Saint Nick in the film, which follows a brother and sister trying to save Christmas after screwing up Santa’s gift delivery route. Like Amazon drivers, he’s on a strict schedule, which means hiding out in his sleigh, causing him to crash said sleigh, and then trying to wrangle some reindeer with the police hot on your trail is a real kink in the plan.
That’s the basic plot of the film but it’s not the reason you should watch.
No, the reason you should watch The Christmas Chronicles is Kurt Russell, a man who has accomplished the impossible: He’s made grown, intelligent adults everywhere lust after an imaginary figure that’s been described, in verse, as having “a little round belly that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.”
Well, there ain’t no jelly on this Papa Noel, folks.
Instead, Russell plays Claus as a kind of modern-day action hero. He’s tearing through the streets in shiny cars, evading the cops, delivering presents by channeling his inner Michael Jordan.
He’s sporting a glorious mane of silver-tinged hair. A mustache that curls just so.
He’s a bad boy, this Santa Claus of Kurt Russell’s. One that encourages a bit of mischief, one with a hint of crazy hidden in those piercing eyes, one that doesn’t mind an impromptu jam sesh with a bunch of criminals in the local lock-up.
Oh, you thought this film was about love and family and the Christmas spirit? Pfff. This film is about Kurt Russell doing his best Elvis impersonation and reinventing a pop culture figure that’s grown stale, old, and a little too jolly. And props to Russell because he pulls the whole thing off flawlessly. So flawlessly in fact that we’re left wondering if Russell thought Quentin Tarantino was directing this thing, because his performance is a tour-de-force.
Rock on, Kurt Kringle.
This is one Santa that can come down our chimneys any time.