Chosen One of the Day: Kylo Ren's hair

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Dec 14, 2016, 5:54 PM EST

The latest installment of the Star Wars franchise comes out this week, and while some lucky ducks got to see it early, the rest of us peons have to wait 'til at least Thursday evening to see it. So far the majority of the reviews are overwhelmingly optimistic, unless you’re a fun-hating, pretentious movie critic or a delicate snowflake of a fanboy who can’t handle the fact that a girl is the HBIC in a Star Wars movie. If the latter is the case, allow me to introduce you to a character named Leia Organa.

Anywho, while some are busy crying about the lack of vigorous, deep-voiced, chest-beating, meat-eating males in Rogue One, I can tell you what there really isn’t enough of in the movie (despite my not having seen it yet), and it’s the luscious locks of Kylo Ren. I'll bet my Queendom that no one in Rogue One has the gifted follicles that he has. Not even close. And we all know the real marker of masculinity is a thick, wavy, perfectly coiffed head of hair. Diego Luna would need to take a bunch of biotin and use nioxin daily to get half the head of hair Adam Driver's rockin'. 

Kylo Ren aka Ben Solo’s hair is a miraculous thing of beauty that anyone in any galaxy should be envious of. First, we already know it’s immune to helmet head, which I’m going to go ahead and assume applies to all types of hats and hat-like objects.

Second, even in a windy, wintry, mix, his hair stays full and dry, and magically moves in ways that continue to look good, which anyone with medium to longish hair will tell you NEVER happens! The second the slightest breeze happens, your hair is usually whipping you in the eyes and nearly blinding you or getting in your mouth, even if it isn’t open. But not Kylo’s tresses. No, his hair moves like Beyonce’s under a perfectly placed wind machine.


I don’t know what advancements in hair care the First Order has invented, so I can’t say if Kylo’s glorious mane can be credited to some super-secret space shampoo and conditioner or some sort of styling pomade. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s genetics, since pretty much everyone else in the Empire/First Order looks like they’re using Ron Popeil’s Spray-On Hair.


You may be asking yourself how Kylo Ren’s hair is The Chosen One. Well, I firmly believe that no one with hair that good can stay evil. It’s impossible. It would be a waste of great hair. No, I believe his hair ends up saving him. Hair like that is stronger than the Dark Side of The Force. Watch.


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