We've got a brand-new King Arthur ascending the adaptation throne this weekend, and it is … not good. It's also completely insane, full of flaming skulls, dizzying montages and giant kingdom-destroying demon elephants.
None of those things, though, are quite enough to earn today's slot as Chosen One of the Day. Oh no, that honor goes to the film's only female character of consequence: The Mage.
Warning: some minor spoilers ahead.
Who is The Mage, you may ask? Well, that is a very good question, because I have seen this movie in its entirety and I'm still not certain. Is she Guinevere? She sorta has a bit of chemistry with Arthur … a little, so that's possible. Is she Morgan le Fay/Morgana/Morgaine? She's a badass magic user, so I guess that's also possible. That's the problem. She doesn't have a name! And this is a movie that turned a character with ZERO lines into Percival, one of the most famous Knights of the Round Table.
What does she have? Only an insane amount of control over animals. She's like a medieval Dr. Dolittle, only with an extremely intimidating eagle as a sidekick instead of a weird singing guinea pig.
You know what else she has? Snakes. So. Many. Snakes. A veritable menagerie of snakes. Okay, fine, it's like three snakes, but that is a large enough number of snakes. And the snakes are horrifying. One of them gives Arthur magical hallucinations that let him see Dryads and Jude Law as a … is he a minotaur? Another snake is so huge it gave me actual anxiety for the entire two minutes it was on screen.
The craziest thing about the Mage? Other than the fact that -- again -- that is somehow her name. Well, I'll tell you: the fact that she is so powerful that she can summon and control a horrifying demonic snake from the netherworlds but for some reason, it is Arthur -- with no training, no magic powers, no collection of reptiles -- who has all the power. Did I mention she has snakes? And an eagle that acts as a snake delivery system?
Meanwhile, Arthur has a sword. A fancy, glowing, hallucination-inducing magic sword forged from the staff of the most powerful mage on Earth and bestowed on him by the Lady of the Lake, but STILL. SNAKES.
What I'm saying is. Give the girl a name. And a throne. And whatever else she wants. Because of the snakes.