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Credit: The Weinstein Company

Chosen One of the Day: Michael Myers, tbh

Contributed by
Oct 9, 2020, 11:40 AM EDT (Updated)

Look. No one likes serial killers. I'm just saying that almost everyone in the Rob Zombie Halloween remake had it coming in a big way.

Halloween 2007 opens with everyone YELLING and it just STAYS THAT WAY. Michael Myers lives with his mom, her hideously disgusting abusive boyfriend, his asshole of an older sister, and this baby-ass baby. Everyone sucks.

Credit: The Weinstein Company

Luckily, the boyfriend and the sister are dispatched fairly quickly. I mean, quickly within the film. Their deaths seem pretty torturous. But at least we are put out of our misery, thank you Tiny Michael. Michael is then institutionalized, his mom kills herself, this movie is a bummer, a yelling bummer, ANYWAY, we cut to present-day Haddonfield and it's like "OK, great, this is where the OG movie starts and no one will ever yell again" but then this movie's Laurie Strode is YELLING and making SEX SOUNDS AT HER MOM (literally every female character makes sex sounds in this movie — the sister does so while giving a handy-do to a glass bottle in front of her whole family, Rob Zombie, wyd).

Honestly, it's impossible to root for anyone in this movie except for Sheri Moon Zombie as the mom and even she is tainted by her oily f***wad of a boyfriend. So I guess the hero is...Michael. Good for you, Michael. 

Everyone is the worst and LOOK. I'm not approving of the choices Michael Myers makes in this film but I'm just saying they're a bit more understandable than the choices Zombie made to, I don't know, make everyone screaming a-holes and utilizing his very disconcerting penchant for having women be murdered while naked. Michael Myers, take the wheel. Congratulations for somehow being the most likable and relatable character in this goddamn movie.

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