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Credit: Marvel/Insomniac Games

Chosen One of the Day: Spider-Man's Coffee Bean application

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Apr 2, 2020, 10:30 AM EDT

In Insomniac’s 2018 Spider-Man game for the PlayStation 4, there are a lot of easter eggs and small, fun asides for Spidey fans. It’s a game that was clearly made by people who love Peter, but recognize that he is truly a disaster wrapped in a Lycra (?) superhero suit. 

One of your tasks in the game is to find the multitude of backpacks Peter has left over the city of New York during his decade tenure as Spider-Man. It’s so many backpacks.  Our precious boy lost fifty-g*ddamn-five backpacks. How did he lose so many backpacks (we know how, please see the above disaster descriptor). 

Anyway, Peter is tasked with finding all these wayward bags and as he stumbles across them one by one, he finds little mementos and trinkets of the good ole’ days. One such memento? An application to work at the Coffee Bean, dated 10/4/2014. Clearly Peter never had to fill out an application to work at the Daily Bugle because this is a great example of how not to get a job. 

Credit: Insomniac Games

Can Peter legally work in Canada? We’ll never know because he just didn’t answer the question. 

His post code is only four digits. 

He’s applying for the position of Brouhaha. Peter Benjamin Parker, with a B.S. in Science from Empire State University, who invented web fluid when he was still in high school, and who is, most importantly, applying to work at a coffee shop, doesn’t know the word “barista.” 

He writes a single phrase under the skills he could bring to the coffee counter. A single phrase. “I love coffee.” 

I can’t decide if my favorite part is when he’s asked to provide an example of customer service and he goes with, “Lots of people tell me I’m friendly!” or when asked why he wants to work at this location he goes with the very honest, “Need the money.” You know what, that one’s fair. I’d stand by that answer. 

We’d be remiss not to shout out that apparently our boy can type 220 words per minute. Peter, what the f***, go to a temp agency. Do some data entry!!! You would bank. Why are you applying to be a brouhaha????

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