Chosen One of the Day: That elegant dolphin engagement ring from Independence Day

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Jul 4, 2018, 12:23 PM EDT (Updated)

Picture it: A jeweler sits, perched atop his stool, staring through his magnifier visor. He's worked meticulously for weeks, months, to bring this exact vision to life: a circle formed by two 69-ing dolphins literally ruining an otherwise beautiful diamond.

A tear falls down his red, stubbled cheek. A smile chokes forth beneath a hidden sob. Pride beams from his eyes, yes, but also from his soul.

"This," he thinks, "is the ugliest f*cking ring ever designed."

And it is. It truly is.

When I think of the birthday of this great nation, when I think of our INDEPENDENCE DAY, I think of this ring. Not only because this is the ring Will Smith gives to Vivica A. Fox in Roland Emmerich's 1996 buttsplosion Independence Day, but because this ring is freedom. Only in a free country is a military hero free to buy his ladylove a hideous-ass dolphin ring and pretend it's a romantic gesture. If that's not an AMERICAN FIREWORK OF A FILM, I don't know what is.

We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate this fugly ass ring! 

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