There are days you look back upon and realize that was the moment it all went wrong. Today is one of those days.
I was minding my own business, absently scrolling through Twitter while eating my oatmeal and wondering if the thunderstorm outside was going to morph into something out of The Hurricane Heist, when I stumbled upon an image that changed my life.
It is a cursed image, one that is whispered about in the darkest, saddest corners of the internet. It haunts your dreams and makes your nightmares run away screaming into the night.
It is … Bald Mario.
This magnificent abomination is somehow a perfect cross between the Picture of Dorian Grey and that terrifying CGI Superman face.
It bores its way into your psyche and makes you forget for a moment who you are, where you are, and what exactly Mario is supposed to look like because honestly, I can no longer remember if he had hair under his hat.
Is this what Baby Mario actually looks like all grown up? Is Mario going through a Moby phase? Does he listen to make-out jams while wearing a black turtleneck and reading slam poetry in a mid-'90s coffee shop? Does this make him more aerodynamic and as such faster and more easily sucked into those sewer thingies? Is this actually the better Mario?
Oh, and if Mario’s infant-like visage isn’t enough for you, he has friends. A whole Twitter account of them, because yes, this is the brainchild of one particularly horrifying individual.
You’re welcome, internet. And I’m sorry.