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Chosen One of the Day: The flying cow in Van Helsing

Contributed by
May 16, 2018

There are many characters you don’t want to be in a vampire movie. For example, you probably don’t want to be a random, unnamed villager, especially if you’re the kind likely to attract the attention of your resident undead beasties.

Depending on the movie, you might not want to be the heroine either, since there’s a pretty good chance that the tradeoff for vampiric sexy times is, you know, painful death and possibly an afterlife spent sucking blood from the necks of random strangers.

You know who you do want to be? The vampire.

Also, this cow.

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I know what you’re thinking. Why would I ever want to be a cow in a movie where undead creatures wreak havoc and murder all the things?

I’ll tell you why. Because this cow can FLY.

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Or, at the very least, this cow has the reflexes of a cat, because despite being thrown through the air by one of Dracula’s wives in the totally amazing, not at all ridiculous, Hugh Jackman classic Van Helsing, this cow lands on its feet, completely unscathed and now safely sheltered from the harsh Eastern European winters.

Van Helsing, meanwhile, has to go and become a werewolf in order to defeat his enemies and then has to watch Kate Beckinsale die in order to shuck off her family curse.

Take it from me. Be the cow. Screw all that hero crap.