I’m going to lay out a few sentences for you. You’re probably going to think I’ve had a stroke and am just slurring random words together, but hang with me, because I swear that what I’m about to say is real.

There is a movie called Ninja Terminator. One of the main characters in Ninja Terminator is a man who looks like a buffer version of Rowsdower from the classic Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode Final Sacrifice, without the mullet but with inexpertly applied guyliner. This man wears a camouflage ninja outfit, like a Duck Dynasty character going through a late-in-life weeb phase. He is a very serious man, as his mustache will inevitably tell you. He also uses a Garfield phone.

You know.

A Garfield phone.

That phone's expression of sexual bliss? It's because this phone knows it's in Ninja Terminator, a movie just wacky enough to give it an inordinate amount of screentime. 

Why does this ostensibly serious man use a phone in the shape of a cartoon cat? Well... why anything in Ninja Terminator, really? Why the phone with a doily on it? 

Why the irrational hatred of watermelons?

Why this particular sex scene, the anatomy of which only works if the receiving party is capable of being snapped in half like a LEGO minifig?

No, really... why? These aren't rhetorical questions. I'm genuinely asking. Drugs? A dare? Pod people? Pod people who love Garfield? What's going on?