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Chosen One of the Day: The hurricane from The Hurricane Heist

Contributed by
Mar 19, 2018

Moviegoers: I know you are still emptying out the crevices of your wallet for tickets to Black Panther, A Wrinkle in Time, Tomb Raider, et al., et al., et al. But may I point you toward another movie, still in theaters, that you may have missed? May I point you toward The HURRICANE HEIST, the Mad Max: Fury Road of weather-themed heist movies?

Good.

In The Hurricane Heist, three people—Toby Kebbell, Action Meterologist; an ATF agent played by Maggie Grace; and a Ryan Kwanten character honest-to-God named Breeze—have to stop a (wait for it) heist that’s set to take place during a (wait for it) hurricane. Is The Hurricane Heist a modern masterpiece? Well, I’m going to talk to you about the hurricane in Hurricane Heist, and then you’ll decide for yourself. You’ll decide “yes,” or you’ll have decided wrong.

First things first—the hurricane hits some tiny town in Florida. Or Alabama? I didn’t catch it—some state where people say “y’all” and “i-dee-er” and “fixin’ to.” We’re in the South now, y’all. And the hurricane’s name? HURRICANE TAMMY. As a Southerner born and bred, I can tell you that that is possibly the most Southern name for a hurricane. You say “Hurricane Tammy” to me and I immediately picture a group of several hundred rowdy Southern women wearing G.R.I.T.S. T-shirts absolutely blitzed on margs at a Myrtle Beach male stripper night. Basically, I imagine the third act of Magic Mike XXL

The Hurricane Heist, unlike Magic Mike XXL, doesn’t have a whole subplot where Joe Mangianello’s penis is just. too. big. But it does have Toby Kebbel using his Hurricane Knowledge to fling hubcaps into a wind vortex such that they are transformed into frisbees of death. "Oh, bless your heart," says Hurricane Tammy. FWIPFWIPFWIPFWIPFWIP -- hubcap through the torso.

Hurricane Tammy loves frisbees of death. And NASCAR. And sweet tea. Hurricane Tammy is a drunken Southern broad with bleached blonde hair who just wants to have a good tiiiiiiiime, y’aaaaallllllll! I have known at least a dozen Hurricane Tammies in my life.

One of the things that none of my Hurricane Tammies have done, but that Hurricane Tammy in The Hurricane Heist does, is turn into a skull.

Yeah, you read that right.

At a climactic point in the movie, Hurricane Tammy’s storm clouds take the shape of a literal skull. Not because she’s a sentient, supernatural hurricane or anything. Rather, it's an artistic flourish from director Rob "I love your mother's cookies" Cohen, noted artistic genius. 

THE HURRICANE BECOMES A SKULL. Maybe someone showed her that "Brooklyn barbecue" photo? Thunder roars, lightning crackles, and from the center of the stormy maw comes a terrible, echoing cry: "But where's the barbecue sauce?"

Hurricane Tammy also, at one point, tosses millions of dollars' worth of money into the air. As the trailer tells us, she likes to make it rain. 

Guys! She is a boozy Southern broad who just wants to see some man-ass! 

Same, Tammy. Same.