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Credit: Shout Factory

Chosen One of the Day: The Leech Woman, misandry icon

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Jul 9, 2020

The 1960 film The Leech Woman was ostensibly a Universal monster movie wherein the monster was vanity BUT IN ACTUALITY the monsters are all men and they are punished for being utter sh*tbirds. 

The film opens with Malla (Estelle Hemsley) paying an exceptionally wrinkly visit an emotionally abusive endocrinologist who hates old women, including and especially his 10-years-his-senior wife, June (Colleen Gray), insulting her while feeding her his doctor's office whiskey (it was the '60s after all). Malla claims to be 152 years old and wants to take Dr. Assface back to her tribe in Africa where she can show him how she's able to become young and hot again (at which point she is played by Kim Hamilton — yes, you will be shocked to know these are not the same actress).

Credit: Shout Factory

The trick to Malla's youth is a rare plant mixed with the sweet juice of the male pineal gland, meaning a man must be sacrificed for her hotness. You know what, worth it.

Dr. Buttdouche and his colonially accented guide are of course there to steal this African secret and use it to make millions BUT SPOILER ALERT instead Malla offers June the chance to get hottified and June's like "take my terrible husband's pineal juice and make it a double" and Malla is like "OH HELL YES" and they basically high five, hotly. Dr. D*ckhead dead, Colonizer McGee burns down the village and steals the plant stuff. June wakes up old and TAKES HIS PINEAL JUICE. Malla gives her a thumbs up from heaven, presumably.

The rest of the movie June tricks terrible men into thinking she's just a rich horny old lady for them to take advantage of and then BAM! PINEAL TIME! It's awesome. We have no choice but to stan and wear turtlenecks to hide our pineals.   

 

 

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