Chosen One of the Day: The lesbian biker gang from Howard the Duck

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Mar 28, 2018, 10:07 AM EDT

I recently watched Howard the Duck for the first time. Because I could, and because it’s infamous, and because I’ve heard that Lea Thompson’s character boinks an anthropomorphic duck in it, which—SPOILER ALERT—is actually not true! There is foreplay, and then the pair of them get—er—duckblocked by the arrival of some egghead (tee hee) scientists. 

That right there is how I know the world is fundamentally a disappointing place.

Funnily enough, the point where Lea Thompson and Howard don’t bump feathers is the point at which Howard the Duck goes from interesting-bad to boring-bad. That’s because it represents the exact moment where you can tell the screenwriters remembered, “Oh, yeah! We actually need a plot here,” and the studio brass poked their heads around the wall to remind them to please make that plot as generic as possible. Before that point, it was all weird-ass worldbuilding tidbits like:

  • A duck getting into a bar brawl
  • Lea Thompson single-handedly inventing pop punk
  • Topless lady duck
  • A leather jacket with doll heads on it (This is absolutely the face of a woman who wants to have sex with a duck, by the way.)


And, most importantly:

  • A lesbian biker gang named SATAN’S SLUTS


Their onscreen encounter with Howard lasts for less than a minute, but that's more than long enough for them to gain my allegiance. Not least because their membership includes '80s biker gang versions of Kristy Swanson and Tina Fey.


Hail Satan's Sluts. And Lea Thompson should have banged Howard. I can't make that more clear.

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