I know the title of this post indicates that you’re looking at a tribute to the character the Rockbiter from the 1984 fantasy classic The NeverEnding Story. Or, for that matter, the Michael Ende book The NeverEnding Story is based on, which is much better than its cinematic counterpart. But no matter! Because this post is not actually about the Rockbiter.
It’s about all the people who were horny for the Rockbiter.
Bear with me.
Those people have to exist, right?
There’s a pantheon of characters who are generally accepted to have sent the youths of the ‘80s and ‘90s rocketing into puberty, en masse. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park. The Goblin King in Labyrinth. Jessica Rabbit. Robin Hood (the furry one). But the world’s a glorious and diverse place. If I’ve learned anything from my years serving in the trenches of internet f*ckery, it’s that everyone causes someone to have some brand-new and exciting downstairs feelings.
I don’t know if it’s a dozen people. I don’t know if it’s a hundred people. I don’t know if it’s one single, solitary person who first humped the light fantastic to visions of the Rockbiter and his big strong hands.
However many people we're talking about, I want to acknowledge them and let them know it's OK. All that fanfic gathering dust on floppy disks—about Rockbiter's big, strong hands and his sad eyes—is nothing to be ashamed of. Sexual desire is a weird, confusing thing, and we never know what's going to start those neurons in our brains firing, especially when we're young and just starting to figure things out. Maybe what piques your interest is the idea of a rock penis! Maybe it's a ready abundance of purple prose relating to the word "hard." It's fine! Not my thing, but, y'know, even I can admit that Rockbiter is kind of daddy.