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Chosen One of the Day: Virgil, the earth-saving vibrator from The Core

Contributed by
Sep 6, 2018

In the movie The Core, Delroy Lindo’s character Dr. Ed “Braz” Brazzleton creates one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs in human history: a vessel that can burst through the Earth and restart its core. A vessel made of a material called of unobtainium. A vessel that gets Earth’s layers thoroughly worked, ultimately releasing all that pent-up energy and thus restarting the earth’s dying core.

Because this vessel is basically a vibrator.

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Yes, in this film, a phallic rod that looks like something you can get on Groupon for $19.99 plows through Mother Earth, smashing her molten cakes to smithereens. It’s the total opposite of Avengers: Infinity War, in which a sentient vibrator actually contributes to the destruction of half the universe because the woman who loved it couldn’t bring herself to kill it in time. Who knew vibrators could have so much power over human life?

Also, the vessel is named Virgil. Virgil is a real one, remaining hard throughout its voyage into the earth’s core and making sure the payload was delivered with enough force to get that core working again. Once the job was done, it was serenaded by whales once it made its way back out of the earth. Everyone knows how majestic whales are; this only adds to the greatness that is the earth-saving vibrator.

Virgil: a Big D*ck Energy pioneer and a shining example of how orgasms can save lives.