Chosen One Of The Day: Westley's terrible mustache in The Princess Bride

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Mar 31, 2018, 4:08 PM EDT (Updated)

Look, I know we all love The Princess Bride because of its highly quotable silliness, charismatic characters, and perhaps most of all because of its handsome hero. Cary Elwes as the happy-to-be-bossed-about Westley was so beautiful it made our little-girl eyes go wide and our bodies tremble with an excitement we couldn't yet understand.

Guh. When he said his catchphrase, our breath caught in our throats, and our lips twitched, dreaming of a kiss that would be " the most passionate, the most pure." But there was something standing in the way of this perfect fantasy of romance and face-sucking. And it wasn't a royal jerk named Humperdinck. 

It was this ugly little critter right here. 


Why, in his enchanting movie of fairytale love, did director Rob Reiner subject us to this truly terrible mustache? It's as if you scribbled horns on the Mona Lisa, or spray-painted curse words across the Statue of Liberty, or put a wig on Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Before us was something awe-inspiring in its elegance and beauty and big, pouty pink lips. And what did he do? Reiner put on a scraggly scrap of muddy blonde facial hair that can't decide if it's a mustache or a shaving gaffe. 

Yes, yes. Perhaps the mustache was meant to further mask Westley's identity once he became the Dread Pirate Roberts. But hey, funny thing: HE WAS ALREADY WEARING A MASK. The mustache is at best a hat-on-a-hat scenario. 

Now, I'm not saying this mustache is a total dealbreaker. Even with it, Westley is still deadly sexy. 

I'm just saying that if I were Buttercup, I'd gently ask my strapping, swashbuckling love to ditch the lip rug. And you know what he'd say—because he loves Buttercup and only wants her to be happy and sexually satisfied—he'd say: 

Uh. Um. Wrong gif. But I'm not mad at it. 
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