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Credit: United Artists

Chosen One of the Day: Zachery Ty Bryan's dismembered member from The Rage: Carrie 2

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Mar 25, 2021, 6:00 PM EDT (Updated)

Let's get this out of the way up top. The Rage: Carrie 2 isn't exactly must-see horror viewing as a whole. For me, the teen horror genre is meant to be some level of fun, and this movie, which is mostly about attempting to seek justice in a statutory rape after the victim kills herself, doesn't really bring a lot of fun to the table. It's less Stephen King and more SVU. It's mostly a bummer.

I said mostly because there exists within this film 10 precious minutes that are totally watchable: the climactic Carrie moment.

So in this film, there is some flimsy attempt to connect our heroine, Rachel Lang, to the original Carrie White via potentially sharing a dad, maybe. Also, Amy Irving reprises her role as Sue Snell, the Final Girl of the original film (spoiler, y'all, she doesn't fare so well this time). Other than that, this moment is the primary connection between the two films: wronged teen goes telekinetic-y all over high school butt bags.

One of those butt bags is Home Improvement's Zachery Ty Bryan. This guy:


Credit: Teen Beat

In the film, he plays one of the popular jocks who harasses Rachel. At a party where he and his friends broadcast a sex tape starring Rachel and Jason London (that's the Dazed and Confused London twin, not the Mallrats one that faked his own kidnapping), she snaps (and mysteriously becomes a tattoo monster which I feel like seems unrelated to telekinetic powers, but then this isn't a very good movie). Teens get straight up murdered left and right by broken glass, fireplace pokers, CDs, and one girl's own pair of glasses (which I don't think would actually kill you, just blind you and hurt a lot).

But Bryan arguably has the most memorable death. Because he dies of d*cklessness.

Let's break this down. Rachel Blanchard's glasses explode. In her pain and shock, she accidentally stabs our boy ZTB with a spear gun BAM right in the pants spear and then SHOOTS IT OFF. SHE SHOOTS OFF HIS NETHER TIM THE "TOOL MAN" TAYLOR WITH A SPEAR GUN. HOW IS THIS ALREADY NOT THE MOST POPULAR MISANDRY GIF ON THE INTERNET?

I take it back. The Rage: Carrie 2 is a great movie.

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