One of my favorite Disney animations, Aladdin (1992), is gearing up for a live-action reboot, much like all my other faves. Casting for the film is underway, with Saban’s Power Rangers starlet Naomi Scott saying Jasmine will be “strong and speak her own mind” this time around, whatever that means.
So I’ve decided to do a more critical viewing of the film — and maybe I can even find what it was that Jasmine was lacking to help my pal Naomi as she prepares to pick up the Persian Princess’ mantle.
Here are 62 thoughts I had while watching Aladdin as an adult.
1. The “Arabian Nights” song already got me feeling like Agrabah is NOT the place for me: “more hotter than hot?” Yeah, no.
2. This peddler’s poor camel.
3. Oh, Robin Williams. What a national treasure he was. RIP.
4. Wait, did this thief say he had to “slit a few throats” to get the other half of the magical scarab? Sheesh, Disney. Talk about cutthroat! *drum roll, clash*
5. Why does the cave of wonders have a pierced ear, though? What is he, a pirate sand tiger?
6. Jafar wasn’t ish. He just heard the Cave of Wonders say only one of worth can step into his mouth, but he told Kazim to go on. What a lame-o.
7. I feel bad for the Cave of Wonders to have people walking down its throat, into its stomach touching stuff.
8. Also, what do you think the Cave of Wonders smells like? It is the gut of a sand tiger pirate. You know many people have stepped in and died in there?
9. The fact these women asked Aladdin if he was getting into trouble “a little early” means they know him hella well. Ladies, why couldn’t y’all break the brother off a piece of bread so he wouldn’t have to steal it?
10. “One Jump Ahead” is such a great song.
11. Never realized Aladdin landed himself in a harem… or was it a brothel? Dun, dun, dun!
12. “I’d blame parents except he hasn’t got ‘em.” Ma’am, could you be any ruder? Like, that was totally uncalled for.
13. When this lady calls Aladdin “tasty,” I get the feeling she means in a Hannibal Lecter kind of way and not in the “he’s fine” kind of way. She could’ve meant the latter, but I think she wanted to eat him for real.
14. The Agrabah police are super incompetent. Much like the cops in New York.
15. Also, foreshadowing much?
16. My dude almost DIED for this loaf of bread and he gave it to the kids? He's a sweetheart, but I would’ve gotten a bite first. I mean, there was enough for the four of them!
17. “A horse with two rear ends.” Was Aladdin calling that man an ass? Look at Disney with the subliminal potty mouth!
18. Jasmine had a pet who was biting the butts of suitors she didn’t like. I want one of those. (Total strength points: 5)
19. Jasmine out here challenging the law — where she must be married to a prince by her birthday — by calling it “wrong.” Go ahead, girl. (Total strength points: 7)
20. Damn, Jasmine was sheltered her whole life and had to marry a man who her father picked out by a specific birthday?! She was the real victim of this film.
21. The Sultan was such a big baby with his Agrabah miniature set.
22. Jafar wasn’t for Iago — if Jafar was aware Iago didn’t like those biscuits, why didn’t he just tell the Sultan not to feed them to him?
23. Jasmine lost points for her apparent ignorance to her privilege. How did she figure food was free at a bazaar?
24. Real talk, if Aladdin had a couple more days with Jasmine they could’ve been running the best cons in Agrabah.
25. Jasmine really was sheltered. She was out here vaulting, jumping, and parkouring with a dude she just met. And she was gonna kiss him, too?! Girl…
26. OK, her strength points are redeemed when she orders the guards to release Aladdin.
27. On second thought, when does a royal advisor have more pull than the actual princess? Please explain.
28. “Death by beheading?" Jeez, with the savagery Disney!
29. Abu was the serious wingman, er, monkey.
30. I laugh every time Abu imitates Jasmine. Never gets old to me.
31. Poor Carpet. I wonder how long it was chilling in the Cave of Wonders.
32. Yo, Abu was seriously anti-new friends. He didn’t like Jasmine and he didn’t like Carpet. At least he’s consistent.
34. Still don’t get how Abu touching a giant ruby makes them infidels when a genie-filled lamp is probably worth more than anything in the Cave of Wonders.
35. Also, where’s Kazim? It’s only been like two, three days, tops. Why didn’t Aladdin encounter him in the Cave of Wonders?
36. Shouldn’t Carpet’s name be "Persian Rug"?
37. If I were Aladdin, I would’ve been scooping up some of that gold/jewels as I was flying out the cave. Doesn’t make any sense to see it engulfed by lava, which I suppose is the Cave’s acid indigestion repeating on him.
38. “Never Had a Friend Like Me” is still one of my favorite Disney songs. Will Smith has some serious shoes to fill as Genie.
39. Jasmine told Jafar she’ll definitely get rid of his crapola behind when she becomes queen. (Total strength points: 10)
40. Not sure how Aladdin thinks Jasmine won’t want him unless he’s a prince when she was gonna kiss his broke behind on a rooftop and tried to keep the guards from arresting him, but I love how Genie pulls The Little Mermaid’s Sebastian — "Under the Sea" music and all — out of the Royal Recipes book.
41. How old is Jafar? The Sultan said he was "so old," but since when was there a restriction on the age of the person the Princess marries, huh?
42. Is it only me, but I’m not feeling Genie as a human. He looks better in blue.
43. Wasn’t this the same three harem chicks who didn’t want to give Aladdin the time of day when he was poor? How money changes a person’s attitude.
44. To tell you the Sultan’s priorities, instead of figuring out what country Aladdin was the prince of, he was more interested in a carpet ride. Don’t get me wrong, I want a carpet ride too, but I would also check out a map to find Ababwa.
45. Jasmine was the bomb for telling off the menfolk — Aladdin, Jafar, and the Sultan — she’s not a prize to be won as they decide her future. (Strength points: 14) Note: Jafar was the only one sticking up for her… albeit so he could marry her himself.
46. Did Disney think kids would recognize Rodney Dangerfield or Jack Nicholson? Was this a part of Robin’s improv and they just animated it or what?
47. Look at Jasmine telling Aladdin to go jump off the balcony — and with some bass in her voice, too. (Totaly strength points: 16)
48. How far and fast were Aladdin and Jasmine going for them to be passing through Egypt and chilling in China? I would ask how come the Sultan ain’t notice, but he didn’t notice when she ran away so, he’s definitely not up for the Father of the Year Award.
49. Not sure why Aladdin didn’t just take the out right there. He could’ve told Jasmine he had a genie that turned him into a prince so he could marry her. I think going through such a life-altering event would’ve cemented his desire to be with her. I mean, that would’ve impressed me.
50. For people who couldn’t catch Aladdin and Abu when they were paupers, I’d like to know how the guards found a net that big to capture Abu the elephant.
51. Jafar really wanted Aladdin to sleep with the fishes! The only thing missing was a “cement kickboard,” but they gave us a weighted ankle bracelet.
52. The look on Aladdin’s face when he realizes that being Jasmine’s husband means he’ll have to be Sultan and be a shining example for all of Agrabah to look up to… Where’s Captain America when you need him?
“So, you realized being Prince Ababwa meant you’d actually have to rule a country.”
53. You know, if Aladdin freed the Genie, he could’ve asked Genie to be his vizier and kept him close instead of keeping him as his servant. What could Genie do for him with only one wish anyway?
54. Jafar was burning through these wishes too quickly. You asked to be a Sultan and then a sorcerer in all of two minutes? Boo, pace yourself.
55. Even in chains, Jasmine throws a drink in Jafar’s face when he offers to marry her out of his bondage. I mean, a woman after my own heart. (Strength points: 18)
56. Jafar was none too bright. If he felt Genie granted his wish, then what else would he need Genie for? Like, what would anyone need a genie for after granting the three wishes? To bring them lemonade?
57. Jasmine took a major L for the team when she kissed Jafar. (Strength points: 20+)
58. Jafar was really stupid. Why would you ask to be a Genie after he called him "slave" several times?!
59. Also, Aladdin should’ve rubbed Jafar’s lamp and made his first wish for Jafar to banish himself to the Cave of Wonders forever. Then there’d be no Aladdin: Return of Jafar.
60. I can’t look at Genie and Aladdin hugging without thinking of Robin. Tears.
61. I liked Aladdin’s Prince Ali outfit better than this end of movie ensemble.
62. Man, Will Smith really has some big shoes to fill.