Doctor Who, 'Arachnids in the UK': Nope nope nope nope nope

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Oct 29, 2018, 3:39 PM EDT (Updated)

Warning: Spoilers ahead for Season 11, Episode 4, “Arachnids in the UK.”

Look, you can give us your Daleks, your Cybermen, even your Weeping Angels. Sometimes there is nothing scarier than that which already exists in our world. Last week, it was racism. This week, it's spiders. Earth needs to get it together.

Yes, two episodes in a row have focused on the very real threats to Earth wherein the call is coming from inside the proverbial house. And the face of this week's threat was none other than Carrie Bradshaw's worst (and, yet, somehow endgame) love interest, Mr. Big, aka Chris Noth, aka Jack Robertson, 2020 candidate for president of the United States and hotel monster. He is essentially the Donald Trump surrogate of this episode, and man did we want to see that guy get eaten by a thousand giant spiders. (RIP, Kevin — it should have been Big, not you.)

Yes. Giant spiders. SO. MANY. GIANT. SPIDERS. No thank you, please. We've seen that MST3K episode, we know how this goes.

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Yaz's mom Najia is set to be the general manager for a fancy new hotel. But something creepy (and crawly) is afoot (eight a-foots, to be exact), and her hotel monster boss Robertson (Noth) fires her. From there, we learn Sheffield is being covered in spider webs — and some of its people are essentially being entombed in them, including Yaz's neighbor. In the end, we learn it's not aliens — for once! Instead, it's pure corporate greed and pollution. Noth-ald Trump has built his fancy hotel atop a landfill for reasons of Business and chemical waste + spider carcasses = OMG GIANT-ASS SPIDERS ALL OVER THE PLACE, DEAR GOD. The real villain of the episode is America and its love of guns and money and, like, we're sorry.

Apart from so many spiders, this episode gave us a lot of wonderful things. Finally, FINALLY, we get a Yaz episode, meeting her adorable and (correctly) conspiratorial dad, her wholly capable mom, and her snarky, phone-focused sister. We also get spirit Nan, guiding and lovingly judging Graham from beyond, and Fun Ryan, which is the best Ryan. Shadow puppeteer and spider-dance-Peter Piper Ryan is the greatest Ryan. Also? Ryan and Yaz are DEFINITELY getting together at some point. We're fine with this.

Above all else, this was the episode our Best Friend Crew became the official Best Friend Crew. In the end, Graham decides he doesn't want to stew alone in the depths of grief, Yaz needs a break from her family, and Ryan is genuinely seeing Graham as his true family and has zero interest in going back to that warehouse (but, Ryan, what of your YouTubing?) and they all choose the TARDIS life. With three companions, maybe she'll finally spring for a sofa.

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