This time of year, the internet is lousy with holiday gift guides, including our very own. These suggested present options are designed to help you ensure your friends and loved ones get the tangible object that best represents how you, as a consumer above all else, show your affection via capitalism. It's a beautiful thing. The reason for the season.
But some of us are a bit pickier. Our needs go beyond what one can easily purchase in a store or online. So, once again, for the gift recipient with a refined taste, we've devised the perfect gift list. Any of these affordable (priceless) and simple (not real things) gifts would be a perfect addition under your tree. You're going to need a lot of wrapping paper.
A Shuri home laboratory
Around here, we are all about getting young girls into STEM, and what better way to do that than combining complex science with superhero movies? The Shuri home laboratory isn't just fake plastic beakers or make-believe potions. Our Wakandan princess would NEVER. The Shuri home lab comes with remote-access kimoyo beads, communication devices, and of course, your very own Vision to do major brain-gem surgery on. Fun for all ages! If your brother gets sent flying across the room, just chalk it up to "research purposes."
Warning: Even in your home lab, leave your busted sandals at the door. Have some standards. Love yourself.
Our very own Shimmer from Annihilation
Look, we're not saying the Shimmer is awesome. Some not-great stuff happens and it does kind of look like that one weird color people paint their cars sometimes. But it's also kind of pretty and frankly, I don't know a better option for practicing mime. I'm just saying it might be nice to have around. Maybe it will even make us our own Oscar Isaac, who knows?
A Zack Morris "time out" button
Here's the thing about 2018: News is moving too fast. There is entirely too much news. We need a big giant pause button and frankly if you're gonna go big, go ULTIMATE and get the Zack Morris model. Actual Zack Morris sold separately but it does come with a jar of Screech's Secret Spaghetti Sauce.
It's hard to make friends as an adult. The Good Place has taught me that the best way to go about that is to die and meet a group of seemingly disparate humans, demons and one not-lady not-human but also not-a-robot in the afterlife. And Janet seems the most useful. She can conjure puppies, hot tubs, even Jason Mantzoukas, which I personally appreciate quite a bit. And, really, who couldn't use a cactus around the house?
A shrine to Cap’s beard
We've lost so much. It's important to honor the fallen. This lovely shrine is the best way to celebrate that which has left us too soon. You can gaze into it longingly, grip the glass while racked with sobs, maybe even crawl into it and rest your face on the smattering of collected hairs and fibers amassed in an attempt to rebuild. We won't judge.
A fridge for all of 2018's fridged women
So many women were killed in so many movies for the sole purpose of making sure we as an audience know that Men have Feelings and also Matter More Than The Women. But where are we supposed to store these women to keep them fresh? This refrigerator is the perfect place to keep your fallen heroes, love interests and wholly ignored characters. And probably soda, too. Soda and women. It's all we need.
Honestly, white people have been a real mess this year and everyone who has to deal with us has earned an all-expenses-paid trip to Wakanda. We'll stay here and put pumpkin in macaroni and cheese like we deserve.