Frak, Marry, Kill: Alien edition

Contributed by
Oct 11, 2018, 3:04 PM EDT

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about the various ships of The Good Place. For everyone else, game on!

The Alien franchise and its offshoots (including Prometheus) has seen a wild range in terms of critical success. But that's not what we care about here. We're in it for what it does to our nether-xenomorphs, if you know what I mean. H.R. Giger sure does. The films aren't exactly replete with characters, but we broke down the most crucial.


ROUND 1: Sigourney, Winona, Noomi Rapace

Courtney: BEFORE WE EVEN BEGIN. This is what Siggy wore to the Alien: Resurrection premiere:


Rebecca: F……feather purse…………..? My brain just shorted the frak OUT.

Courtney: The issue as I see it is that I will never kill Winona. No matter what. So that leaves Noomi, who doesn't deserve it because she DID. HER. BEST. She was the best part of that movie and SHE TRIED.

Rebecca: Where I start with is the fact that I'm in the Alienverse, which means I'm PROBABLY gonna die, and my #1 chance of NOT dying is to stay hot-glue-gunned to Siggy's side. So: marry Siggy.

Courtney: Siggy Sig Ah.

Rebecca: If she wants to be my luv-ahhhhhhh.

Courtney: We gotta get with her friends and that is why FRAK WINONA.

Rebecca: Real talk: Winona is an android in Resurrection, right? If I have the opportunity to frak Android Winona. I can't pass that up.

Courtney: I think. I can’t remember. But like maybe. But like probably. But like either way yes.

Rebecca: In previous FMKs, a major factor in deciding who to frak is who has the best sense of humor. But no one in the Alien franchise has a sense of humor. 
Unless I want to frak Harry Dean Stanton. Which...maybe I would? He loves p*ssy. We know this.

Courtney: I specifically didn't add a Reiser/Paxton category. Because obviously who could choose

Rebecca: I would absolutely frak Paul Reiser in Aliens. I would frak the frak out of him I don't care.

Courtney: I would frak Paul Reiser en generale.

Rebecca: I would rip that stupid vest off with my teeth.

Courtney: John Pankow can watch



THAT SAID, if it's a FMK between Paul Reiser, Paxton and Vasquez, I would frak Vasquez twice and kill both of the others. But I gotta go with frak Winona, marry siggy and kill Noomi (sorry).

Courtney: Same. And I'm so sorry, comforted only by the fact I know Noomi could kill me back.

Rebecca: I’m literally just not badass enough or sexy enough for Noomi Rapace to want to frak in the first place. So that is my consolation.


ROUND 2: Idris Elba, Michael Fassbender, Logan Marshall-Green

Courtney: SO HOT TAKE: I think Michael Fassbender is a creepy motherf*cker. And I will kill him before he can kill me.

Rebecca: Well, kill Logan Marshall-Green, let's start there. Bargain basement Tom Hardy tomfoolery.


Everyone involved with The OC gets to live. I will frak LMG. He has eyes that have seen things and I would let them see my things.

Rebecca: I’m gonna have to marry David. For several reasons. I will lay them out for you.

Courtney: And I will reply to each with how hard he would murder you.

Rebecca: 1) Fassd*ck.

Courtney: 1a) He'd kill you.

Rebecca: 2) Good father. Loves his xenomorph children.

Courtney: 2a) He'd kill them too.

Rebecca: 3 and final)

Courtney: 3 and final a) Your time with him would be final because of murder.



If I die because David from Alien uses me as a hand puppet, that would be a HELL of a thing to put on my tombstone, and honestly, I can't think of a better legacy. And frak Idris, because he's Idris, but I can't remember anything about what he even did in that movie because Prometheus sucked.

Courtney: I literally don't remember anything about Prometheus except a tube baby.

Rebecca: Yeah, I remember that tube birth scene and Charlize Theron not remembering how to run serpentine. But, like, David is a genocidal android maniac but I feel like he'd cook for you? Until he decided to kill you. But again: not a bad way to go.

Courtney: Do you need some chopped ginger? Because he'll do the gingering.

Rebecca: Will he do the figging? And you can look THAT one up on urban dictionary, kids. Don't ever say my teenage fanfic consumption didn't teach me nuthin'.

Courtney: OK but here's the thing. This is the important round. We've had a lot of laughs here. A lot of silly jokey jokes. But this one is srs.


WILD CARD ROUND: ET, the Spaceballs chestburster, Alf

Courtney: Let’s get the ALF-eating-cats jokes out of the way now. 


Rebecca: What do you think Alf's d looks like?

Courtney: I mean his nose, obv.

Rebecca: Because my first inclination is Frak the Spaceballs chestburster, marry ALF and kill ET...but if Alf's d is hairy, IDK.

Courtney: What if his d is his nose? So he's basically just yelling into your butt.


Screen Shot 2018-10-10 at 4.39.15 PM

Courtney: He can Mel-mack.

Rebecca: I just cannot shake this feeling that the Spaceballs chestburster would break into showtimes mid-orgasm. And I can put up with that ONCE.

Courtney: I’m not NOT into it.

Rebecca: But I don't know if I can put up with that for the conceivable future. “Ooh, yeah, baby, frak me good while singing Fiddler on the Roof." I just???? Don't????? Know???????

Courtney: I’ve been with guys who make weird sounds, this is just that but FANCY. And he's not opposed to a rag-time gal. Which is nice. A lot of guys aren't.

Rebecca: His heart's on fire, but is his D on fire? This is what I want to know.

Courtney: “If you refuse me, honey, you lose me / And you'll be left alone.” Man I WISH more dudes were like that. Please leave me alone please.

Rebecca: Frakking ET would be SO boring. Marriage would be good only to the point you could forget about him and go have a threesome with David and Walter from Covenant instead.

Courtney: ET has long fingers. That's really all he has going for him. And finger length's not really an issue of concern for me.

Rebecca: So would you say you don' the fingering?


Courtney: I think this is a good spot to end on.

Rebecca: I can't believe we would both kill ET. We are monsters.

Courtney: But we would definitely both frak H.R. Giger.

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