Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a review of a movie about a haunted dress. For everyone else, game on!
Look. We've all been there. There are certain cartoon characters from our youths that gave us those new funny feelings and we can't explain why, we just know we were INTO IT. And that's what we're celebrating today, the animated baes of then and now that made us want to go from Toon Town to Pound Town.
Round 1: Fox Robin from Robin Hood, Nick Wilde from Zootopia, Simba from The Lion King
Sarah: FOX ROBIN.
Courtney: Never have I been more certain of a Cher answer.
Sarah: I mean, Marry Fox Robin, of course.
Cher: I mean, that’s not even a debate.
Courtney: Though do I *marry* Fox Rob or frak him? Because I do need a man with a real job. And his job is questionable at best. One of us needs health insurance.
Sarah: Marry Fox Robin because he's a landowner in a feudal society.
Courtney: On that note, I have to kill Simba. I just don't have time for a man questioning his place in the world and his fitness to lead. LIKE, BRO. We can't all just run away with our farting pig friends. Although Nala was DOWN FOR IT so it must be decent.
Sarah: Also, let's be honest. Scar's kid in the Lion King animated show is WAY hotter.
Courtney: Simba is voiced by Rob Lowe in the Lion Guard now and it's a real boner killer.
Courtney: (Because Matthew Broderick was such a sex machine, I guess?)
Cher: I’ve never seen Scar’s kid but real life Scar’s kid is FEUGO. This was just my excuse to mention Max Irons and his hotness.
Courtney: HOLD ON MUST GOOGLE. Oh. Oh hello there.
Cher: How do you NOT know Max Irons? FIX YOUR LIFE, COURTNEY.
Sarah: Because he's never been in a good movie?
Cher: He hasn't, but he was in The White Queen.
Courtney: Get Iyanla on the phone, have her tell Max Irons to bang me and FIX MY LIFE.
Sarah: Here is animated Scar's kid from a direct to video sequel or TV series, I can't remember. I just remember he was saucy as f*ck and Simba was boring.
Courtney: Nick Wilde can get it though. I love a lanky bae.
Cher: Nick can get it. I’d frak him. Nick’s a good name for a booty call, too.
Courtney: I literally just thought the words "hey nick u up" and nodded saucily, unable to help myself.
Sarah: Nick Wilde is frak af. You marry Fox Robin because it's lifetime hotness + castle, but you frak his cousin Nick on the side.
Courtney: Oo de lally golly what a day INDEED.
Sarah: And Simba is just sad out with the trash. Sorry, Simba.
Cher: And also Robin is chivalrous which I'm not mad at right now. Like, he def isn't some MRA douche on the DL. And I appreciate that. He’s a genuinely GOOD DUDE. Kill Simba.
Courtney: I don't know how to say this without getting on a watch list but Simba was hotter when he was JTT BUT ALSO I WAS TOO A CHILD.
Sarah: Puberty didn't do Simba's voice any favors.
Courtney: Hakuna MY tata. That means nothing. The spirit of Samantha Jones took over my body, I don't know what just happened.
Round 2: Flynn Rider from Tangled, Kocoum from Pocahontas, Dimitri from Anastasia
Sarah: Dimitri, my other animated love. Didn't People put him on the Most Beautiful list that year?
Courtney: Look. I don't want to mix these characters up with the people playing them. But my John Cusack Problem is real and eternal and Dimitri will ALWAYS be marry.
Sarah: This is tough, though, because Kocoum.
Courtney: Technically Flynn's name is Eugene and you can't scream that out.
Sarah: Yeah, kill Flynn Rider.
Courtney: Kill him good. Sad to see him leave, but I love to watch him go.
Cher: Yeah but is Dimitri a ginger? Because that’s kinda a deal breaker for me.
Courtney: I'm on Nexplanon, we won't make more gingers for at least three years.
Sarah: I don't think he's a ginger, I think he has like, chestnut hair. Reddish, but not like, RED.
Cher: Also I have a cousin named Eugene so I can’t do anything with anyone named that. So kill that dude.
Sarah: I think I'm going to go marry Demitri and frak Kocoum because Kocoum had a possessive streak and I don't want to live with that.
Courtney: SOMEONE needs to marry Kocoum. Our girl Pokie sure didn't.
Sarah: Anastasia made me SO obsessed with the Romanovs, AMA.
Courtney: Yeah I'm gonna marry Demitri, frak Kocoum and kill the Flynn right out of Eugene.
Cher: OK but it's DIMITRI, so are you really about to marry a dude whose name you can't spell?
Courtney: ...Well f*ck. WHATEVER, I'd hit it once upon a December and beyond.
Sarah: I misspelled my own name on the SATs, so…yes. Poor Eugene.
Courtney: RIP(ull that hair)
Cher: I guess I’ll marry him and frak Kocoum and kill Eugene. Mainly because Eugene makes me think of Revenge of the Nerds which is an instant lady boner killer because he’s a tad rapey. Wait, no. That's the geek in Grease named Eugene. Well, kill him.
Courtney: I would not frak Eugene from Grease.
Round 3: Trent from Daria, Sterling Archer from Archer, MC Skat Kat
Sarah: Obviously frak MC Skat Kat.
Courtney: I MEAN JUST TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE. Two steps forward, two steps back, a little to the left, right there.
Sarah: But I don't wanna marry any of these dudes. I will go on a rampage with Sterling Archer, though.
Cher: MARRY STERLING ARCHER.
Sarah: WHY? He's an emotional wreck with SERIOUS mommy issues.
Cher: Right but he’s hot. Also, he’s more driven to actually work than Trent, so you can't marry him.
Courtney: Junior high me would be so angry right now but I think I need to kill Trent.
Cher: You frak Trent.
Courtney: I feel like you frak Trent and he doesn't leave. He just lingers. Waiting for a ride or something.
Cher: Nah, he leaves to go to band practice for his band that's never making it.
Sarah: Frak MC Skat Kat, kill Trent, rampage with Archer.
Cher: MC Skat Kat is annoying. Like, YOU DONT NEED THE SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT, bro.
Sarah: I wear my sunglasses at night
Courtney: "Who'd a thought we could be lovers
She makes the bed
And he steals the covers
She likes it neat
And he makes a mess
I take it easy
Baby I get obsessed
She's got the money
And he's always broke
I don't like cigarettes
And I like to smoke" Yeah kill MC Skat Kat. I don't DO blanket hogs.
Cher: He smokes. That’s gross.
Courtney: Although that all describes Trent... Is Trent MC Skat Kat?
Sarah: All these dudes low key suck in this group. Marry none of them.
Courtney: Marry MYSELF.
Cher: Archer’s voice is hot.
Sarah: YES IT IS.
Courtney: Yeah, I think I just want to bang Jon Benjamin. Like I'd hit that can of vegetables from Wet Hot American Summer.
Sarah: I mean, that can of veg CAN suck its own d*ck.
Courtney: And it does it. A lot.
Cher: Archer is hot. And freaky.
Sarah: I just feel like sex with Archer would be really one-sided and all about him.
Cher: IDK I don’t think he’s a complete lost cause. He may be a little redeemable. This is also a glimpse at why I date trash men.
Courtney: This is such a telling game.
Cher: I know.
Sarah: I was just thinking about how the internet wants Chris Evans to play Archer in a live-action movie...
Cher: I SAID THAT. that was my casting thread. Oh. Wait. I just told on myself.
Cher: Real talk.
Round 4: Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Lana Kane from Archer, Megara from Hercules
Cher: Marry them all and start a coven.
Sarah: Marry Jessica Rabbit. She's smart, loyal, and gorgeous.
Courtney: Megara has the best song in all of Disney and that's not nothin’. And the weakest boo. She needs me.
Sarah: Cher is probably right on this one, they're all total babes and so marry them all.
Courtney: Yeah I'm really into this six-ouple coven sitch.