Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about TV's best teen witches. For everyone else, game on!
The superheroes of classic animation, new and old alike, aren't immune to some stir-causing properties. From Hanna-Barbera to the Masters of the Universe Universe to that good ole Man-Bat, animated superheroes can get it. And we investigated in the only way we know how.
ROUND 1: Batman, Nightwing, Batgirl
Courtney: So here's the thing about Nightwing. You look at him face-on and it's like GREAT. Then...TURN. MULLET. NO WHY GOD NO.
Cher: Wait, he has a mullet? Obviously, he has left no impression on me, so kill.
Clare: Animated Nightwing sure does. Kill Batman, frak Nightwing, and marry Batgirl. And, Courtney, if he’s turned around, you’re not looking at the mullet
Cher: This isn't bootylicious Nightwing, right?
Clare: Aren’t all Nightwings, in their own way, bootylicious?
Courtney: I mean my understanding is they all are. Even the Teen Titans Go Robin got dat ass.
Cher: Not in this one. Everyone has that art deco '50s ass.
Clare: Tragically, you are right
Cher: Very angular. OK so kill.
Clare: But the bluebird emblem on black is so sleeeeek.
Courtney: His hair is still stupid, what am I even saying, kill kill kill. THE NIGHTWANG DOES NOT GET MY BUSINESS WITH THAT HAIRCUT.
Clare: Heheheh, Nightwang. Sounds like if Bill and Ted designed a superhero.
Cher: Frak Batman because I'm like a woman with a Santa fetish when it comes to the Batman suit. Well, unless Ben Affleck is in it.
Clare: FINE, frak and/or marry your absentee billionaire.
Courtney: Dig all the gold out of the Batcave. But bring baby powder for the batnethers. We've been over this.
Clare: This is a very good and clear distinction. Maybe we can hope that animated!Bats has solved that problem through, I’m assuming, a series of mesh panels.
Courtney: Clare, you have just blown my mind wide open. Like what if animated bodies lack the horrible things human bodies do.
Clare: Exactly! All the flair, none of the drama
Courtney: No sweat. No filth. No nether marination.
Clare: EXACTLY, COURTNEY. FREE YOURSELF FROM OUR MORTAL SHACKLES AND EMBRACE THE ABSTRACT.
Cher: Listen, if we’re going there, all supers in body suits have sweat in their nethers.
Courtney: So much stank. From below.
Cher: Unless that outfit is made with some super secret fiber developed by NASA and Nike…
Clare: See, this is what I’m thinking. Bruce invents this fabric because nobody wants to pull an eight-hour fighting crime shift just marinating. And he has the resources to do so! And it can even come off as a wacky billionaire thing, right, like Bruce Wayne x Nike.
Cher: Bruce Wayne x Nike is very much a collab I would be interested in seeing.
Clare: These leggings are bulletproof. Why? WHO KNOWS.
Cher: Tbh we’re not far from those leggings becoming a real thing. Marry Batgirl because she seems swell and like she’d be the kind of partner that would let you have your own time and go on vacays with your friends without getting suspicious.
Clare: I WILL WED HER AND SUPPORT HER ON OUR JOINT INCOME. Barbara’s just the best. She’s secure enough to trust, which is not a common thing in Gotham. Also: short cape and that lip? Stunning.
Cher: The short cape thing is very fashion forward and underappreciated among supers. Also, way more functional. Like it's enough of a cape to keep you warm when you need it on a chilly night, but not too long where it can work against you. I think Edna Mode would approve.
Clare: Which I think would also describe a frakking and/or marital relationship with Babs.
Courtney: I like that Babs's pose is very "look, duh, we all know how this is going to shake out."
Clare: Babs KNOWS she clears the floor in anything like this. Look at how put-together, normal, and well-adjusted she is compared to these two.
Courtney: "My waist is small but my chances of marrying all you bitches is HUGE."
Clare: One hand on the hip, one hand in the air to collect ALL the rings
Courtney: Her hair is big because it's full of secrets. Bedroom secrets.
Clare: Knowing the secret to perfect volume… yeah, I’d settle down for that
Courtney: LIKE WHO AMONG US. Certainly not Nightwing though. His hair is only full of Drakkar Noir.
Clare: Hurk. But you’re so right.
Cher: Nightwing looks like he unironically gets excited about a Brut by Faberge gift set. He’s the Michael Scott of supers.
Clare: He looks like a guy who has one of those sofas that flip out of the wall in an overdetermined bachelor pad in the ’90s.
Cher: A Murphy bed. No.
Courtney: Look this is unrelated but going back to Cher's comment re: Batfleck, I feel like his lack of suit sexiness has less to do with him (THOUGH STILL A GREAT DEAL) and more with teeny tiny bat ears. That might be the worst part of that whole shebang. Animated Conroy Batman? Good ears.
Clare: Excellent ears.
Courtney: Solid ears.
Clare: It’s all about PROPORTION.
Cher: No it has to do with him. If Bale had the ears on his Batsuit, I still would hit it.
Courtney: Bale WOULD NEVER. Bale would yell at the nearest best boy GIVE ME SOME PROPER F*CKING EARS OR WE ARE DONE PROFESSIONALLY.
Cher: I’ll tell you what I used to tell my dog: you don’t have sex with ears.
Courtney: I want that cross-stitched on a pillow.
Clare: A true sentiment for the homestead.
ROUND 2: Chetara, Lionel, Mumra
Clare: Are we talking original THUNDERCATS, anime THUNDERCATS, the new THUNDERCATS just kidding I AM MARRYING THAT MUMMY. Frak Cheetara, kick Lionel off a cliff.
Courtney: So, right off the bat, I used to have that swimsuit Lion-O is wearing. Mine was lime green and had a giant zipper. It didn't look great on my weird pubescent body. He can go die.
Clare: 100% die. Rihanna did everything he’s doing 8000% better. We don’t need him
Courtney: Like that's not light fur or a glove, that's a farmer tan. But REVERSE.
Clare: Is it from those little baby Shuri gauntlets? Gross, he has to wear them ALL THE TIME to get that. Also: the Homer Simpson mouth. Utterly intolerable.
Courtney: Seriously I think Imma marry that mummy and our wedding song will be "I'm blue da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba die."
Clare: Oh, Courtney! THE MUMMY HAS A DOG.
Courtney: Mummy…cape game strong…dog…THE WHOLE PACKAGE.
Clare: He can turn into a jacked demon at will, wears a cape all day, HAS A DOG, and also possesses arcane magical powers. MAKE ME YOUR QUEEN MUMM-RA.
Cher: This is all I have to contribute to this matter:
Courtney: I love a man who can do many things and wears many hats but doesn't really wears hats he wears capes.
Clare: Exactly. Also, I’m allergic to cats. So Cheetara has a TIME LIMIT. Though I do love her breezy, athletic look.
Courtney: I don't want to get INDELICATE but I have hooked up with a bad case of the sniffles and it is not ideal.
Clare: No, not ideal for anybody. Not enough Zyrtec in the world, you know?
Courtney: So Cheetara is a hit and quit BUT A FINE ONE.
Clare: OH, A FINE ONE. The kind of memory I will recall staring out a gauzy window in my palace, applying my night cream, as Mumm-Ra’s Bride.
Courtney: Is she furry or is that a skin pattern thing? Like I'm not opposed one way or another but I like to prepare.
Clare: I think it’s meant to be a short layer of fur just animated flatly because ‘80s animation. She’s a sexy cheetah lady with a bow staff it’s all good.
Courtney: Like if I'm going to be picking fur off my tongue I want to know? I don't want to be rude.
Clare: I think that’s very likely.
Courtney: But she's a cat I bet she's into that.
Clare: Oh 100% she’s down. It’s just good to be upfront with those sort of things.
Courtney: Hey baby, it's bathtime. That's how cats sexytalk.
Courtney: Anyway peace out Lion-O you midriffed bitch with your Kate Mulgrew in OITNB hairstyle.
ROUND 3: She-Ra, Catra, Glimmer
Cher: Frak Catra because LOOK AT THAT HOT BITCH.
Courtney: I mean LOOK AT HER.
Cher: She’s giving me serious Sharon Stone vibes.
Clare: Look at that eyeshadow. That is a dominant amount of eyeshadow.
Courtney: Look at those cheekbones. Cheekbones to cut her enemies.
Cher: Like she could spit on you and it would be a blessing.
Cher: But, She-Ra is the princess of power, so maybe frak her, too? Because that can’t be a bad thing.
Courtney: I mean I just don't think Catra is marriage material and She-Ra is definitely a catch you commit to.
Clare: Oh, I’m marrying She-Ra. So I can be… idk, princess consort, how does this work? What’s the royalty level below princess.
Clare: YES THAT.
Courtney: Glimmer is a little much. She's the Glinda of the Greyskullverse.
Clare: Ugh, yeah
Cher: Glimmer is too Kimmy Schmidt for me. Hard pass.
Clare: I just feel like… she’s nice and all but… gosh, there are a lot of cliffs in Greyskullverse you know? And I got a princess to lock down.
Courtney: So many cliffs. I have a lot of cats to frak and a lot of duchessing to do.
Clare: Exactly. Ugh, Glimmer would want me to help with a bake sale.
Courtney: Glimmer is totally running for PTA all the time and there aren't even elected positions, Sharon, you just f*cking show up.
Clare: GOD HER REAL NAME IS SHARON ISN’T IT. Because it doesn’t follow the naming convention for babes from Greyskulllandia. TRYING TOO HARD SHARON.
Cher: Glimmer would need whatever the opposite of an antidepressant is because she's too much.
Courtney: Glimmer thinks she's the Samantha when she is totally the Charlotte.
Clare: God, you’re so right. Because Catra is OBVIOUSLY THE SAMANTHA.
Courtney: OBVIOUSLY. Seriously she makes so many p*ssy jokes, it's almost offputting.
Cher: No such thing.
OK, this is both a point for Catra and a point for She-Ra; She-Ra is UNFLAPPABLE when faced with Catra’s shenanigans. Also: Catra committing to the cat aesthetic so hard, which puts her firmly in a “one and done” category, I can’t have that full-time.
Cher: This sounds like sexy times if you close your eyes.
Courtney: That's Catra's voice? ...Yeah, we're good for a frak. Shh shh, no talking.
Cher: Catra sounds like Eartha Kitt.
Clare: She sounds like Yzma when Yzma gets turned into the fluffy kitty.
Courtney: She sounds like Iago when he's pretending to be a normal parrot.
Clare: Look, not everybody can have a beautiful, melodious voice like She-Ra. And that’s okay. Not marriage material, but okay.
Courtney: She clearly brings OTHER THINGS TO THE TABLE.
Clare: Yes ma’am.
Courtney: Like cheekbones made of eyeshadow. Or eyeshadow made of cheekbones, I don't know her life.
Clare: Eyeshadow fallout, what fallout, her cheekbones just VAPORIZE it.
ROUND 4 - DOUBLES ROUND: Ace and Gary, Wonder Twins, Captain Caveman and Son
Courtney: If the Wonder Twins bring Gleek, they die. If he stays home, we'll talk.
Clare: Kill Captain Caveman and Son, like, instinctively on sight.
Cher: HOW DARE YOU.
Clare: I’M SORRY, THEY’RE ABOMINATIONS.
Cher: You both should be disqualified for being so disrespectful to Hanna-Barbera characters.
Courtney: I like that this category involves the choice between sexualizing a child or murdering a child.
Clare: Very avant-garde.
Cher: Fun fact: the Ambiguously Gay Duo is Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell. And Steve Carrell is a silver fox now.
Courtney: They’re both WOULD DO, eternally.
Clare: I’ll frak the Ambiguously Gay Duo if they’re okay with me doing a Julius Flickerman impression and… I guess marry the Wonder Twins.
Courtney: I mean I guess. I'm weirded out by siblings who are, like, TOO CLOSE. And also turn into birds and sh*t. Kill the Caveman and Caveboy but also Gleek. Frak Ace and Gary and their car too.
Clare: I mean, if I’m picking between sexualizing or murdering a cavechild, I’ll take the cute girl and her… weird… too close… brother. GLEEK DIES. In a tragic accident. So I can comfort the Twins.
Courtney: And then Zan turns into a bucket of his own tears, I dump it out, whoops, it's just me and Jayna.
Clare: Oh gosh I thought it was dirty mop water oh noooo. You’ve solved the riddle, Courtney! Murder the monkey and the brother, get the girl, excellent work.
Courtney: So much murder. Brother, monkey, cavechild, BUT TO SUCH DELIGHTFUL ENDS. I FIXED THE GAME.
Clare: THIS IS A PARTICULARLY RIGGED ROUND, I will say, but I think we came out nicely.
Courtney: Jayna didn't. Real talk. But we'll get through it.
Clare: Together. Real question does she still have her powers if he dies.
Courtney: I mean other than their magic fistbump their powers seem wholly unrelated.
Clare: HE’S HOLDING YOU BACK JAYNA. BECAUSE HIS POWER IS DUMB AND YOUR POWER IS AWESOME.
Courtney: "Jayna, look, I made you a delicious slushie. Oh wait where's Za--oh no.” Oops, I made my girlfriend drink her brother.
Clare: WHOOPS! “I’ll make sure Zan never bothers us again…” and it’s just me chugging a green smoothie. Which is technically cannibalism. Well, we’re not the same species so...
Courtney: But it's fine. It's WONDER cannibalism.
Clare: I guess it’s not illegal other than the murdering part. THE LONE WONDER TWIN AND HER WIFE, THE WONDER CANNIBAL
Courtney: No body. You drank the body. CONVICT ME, BITCHES, I DARE YOU.
Clare: “They can’t convict you if you DRINK the body!” What court would convict me
Courtney: The law firm of Hanna and Barbera. But they're like SUPER OLD.
Clare: I will physically fight them and win. But if they hire Harvey Birdman I’m fleeing the country.
Courtney: My lawyer is Brak.
Clare: Surprisingly expensive for his legal services. Also: another cat alien, well done. Brak, Marry, Kill, amirite?
Courtney: I'm really proud of you.
Clare: Thank you.