Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.
I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about a version of Star Wars Battlefront II you can play as homicidal Ewoks. For everyone else, game on!
Last month, we examined Superman in all his forms to determine which versions were best for the frakking, the marrying and the killing. You know. For science. And — and, frankly, as heroes — we couldn't let our investigation of superhero sexytime end with all the Supes. Not when there's a Man Bat running around. This time, we turned our attention to Batman. All the Batmen we could muster. How did your fave fare?
Round 1: Movie Batmen — Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney
Cher: OK hang one sec—did Clooney have his Italy compound when he made this movie? Because that would factor into whether he lives or not.
Rebecca: I would like to state a caveat up front: I think that all Batman, ever, in any incarnation, is bad in bed. A garbage lay. So as far as the F and M are concerned here, I am definitely grading on a curve.
Cher: Batman-era Kilmer was hot. So frak him for sure.
Courtney: Do we think Batman uses that voice in bed?
Cher: I would demand it. Especially of Bale. Don’t @ me, because I think his Batman voice is sexy.
Courtney: ALTERNATE Q. Do we think he has sex differently as Bruce vs. Bat.
Rebecca: Would you marry Batman? He's not good husband material.
Cher: Oh Batman and Bruce are garbage in the relationship department.
Courtney: Oh my god THE ISSUES.
Cher: But Batsex with the Battoys.
Rebecca: I think the Bat Sex, compared to the Bruce Sex, is probably a lot smellier. The suit doesn't look like it has ventilation.
Courtney: There’s certainly a marination happening. Netherwise.
Rebecca: Is Batman ever going to nut up (heh) and tell Lucius Fox to PLEASE give him some sort of built-in ball fan situation? Or the front of his suit—over the dickular area—can have a little miniature cape so he can get some breeze in there?
Cher: I didn’t think it would be this difficult to choose between Clooney and Keaton.
Courtney: I mean the Batmobile is deeply phallic and I feel like that speaks to a level of sexual insecurity.
Rebecca: I feel like there's nothing Batman's secure about? At all.
Cher: Including his lil Brucey.
Courtney: You know he cries. Everytime. So the question is which one cries LEAST. Marry Keaton, frak Kilmer and kill Clooney.
Rebecca: I'm going to say frak Keaton, because KEATON, marry Cloons because of the $$ and at least he'd be more fun, and kill Kilmer so Cher can have him. I don't want anyone crying about their parents in bed, I'm sorry. I'd kill all of them, but that's not how the game works.
Cher: IDK I don’t think he cries after sex.
Courtney: Not after—during. His la petite mort is more MY PARENTS ARE ALSO MORT.
Rebecca: Batman finishes quicker than anyone in the entire history of comic book, canon.
Cher: IDK he seems more the type to accidentally choke too hard during.
Courtney: His safe word is Batarang.
Cher: So frak Kilmer, marry Keaton I guess and kill Clooney because even he wished his version of that character ceased to exist.
Courtney: Clooney would thank you tbh.
Cher: I had no idea Rebecca hated Batman this much.
Rebecca: I like Batman! I just think he has major issues and would be a garbage lay. My preferred version of Batman is LEGO Batman. That’s where I'm coming from.
Courtney: That's the only place you're coming at all.
Rebecca: Ba-doom-ch. With Keaton Batman... I might though. He's the sexiest of those three, in my view. Actually, sexiest Batman, period.
Courtney: I mean with Keaton there's a possibility Pfeiffer could show up too.
Rebecca: I would F the Penguin if there were a chance Pfeiffer might show up, honestly. I would take that fish d*ck bullet.
Cher: That’s a visual I could have gone my whole life without.
Rebecca: You're welcome.
Round 2: Modern Movie Batmen —Christian Bale, Ben Affleck, Will Arnett
Rebecca: LEGO Batman, LET'S GO.
Cher: Kill Affleck.
Courtney: I mean the unspoken rule of this game is we're ALWAYS GONNA KILL AFFLECK. SIDNEY BRISTOW WILL BE AVENGED.
Cher: Marry LEGO and frak Bale consistently on the side because obvi a marriage to a LEGO is sexless.
Rebecca: F Bale, because he's too gritty for me to want to hang out with for an extended period of times, because MUSCLES. And see I'm gonna marry Affleck so I can hang out with Wonder Woman. I don't think I'm off-base there.
Courtney: Bale has a bad back and I'm just not sure an ongoing sex thing is sustainable. But as a one-time thing DEF.
Cher: He healed quickly. He’s fine.
Rebecca: Foreplay will be me watching him do shirtless pushups.
Cher: Affleck is like an emotional vampire. He is so miserable as Batman and it shows. No thanks.
Rebecca: As much as I hate to say kill LEGO Batman, I have to, because he's the most immature of those three Batmen. I'd rather have him as a BFF than F him or M him, but that's not an option, so kill it is.
Cher: I will not stand for Bale slander in this. I do, however, want Will Arnett to just read the phone book to me because he has the best voice.
Rebecca: Affleck would be miserable, but I feel like he'd be OK with you going off and doing your own thing. You wanna hang with Jason Momoa? Fine. Hang with Jason Momoa. Batfleck knows he sucks.
Cher: Yeah but Affleck would also gamble Bruce’s fortune away so HARD PASS.
Courtney: Frak Bale. Marry LEGO. Have affair with Rosario Barbara Gordon on the side. Laugh over Affleck's grave.
Rebecca: Marrying LEGO Batman would keep you in the lobster thermidor. You'd sit around all day watching Cameron Crowe movies. This is starting to sound really appealing.
Cher: Affleck would be off getting bad tattoos with Leto’s Joker whenever he’s in A MOOD (aka always).
Rebecca: You've convinced me, Cher. Frak BatBale, marry LEGO, kill Batfleck.
Courtney: Affleck Bat is like a week away from getting DEAD PRNTS tattooed on his knuckles
Rebecca: You get the whole Batfamily with LEGO Batman. BatBale and Batfleck are both losers.
Cher: BatBale wears the shit out of a suit and that’s like foreplay on its own.
Courtney: Guh. Bale in a suit.
Cher: SO HOT.
Rebecca: You know he's flexible, too. All that sex with Russian ballerinas.
Cher: And he has stamina from training up high in the mountains.
Rebecca: As long as you're ok with him screamcrying "RACHEL. RAAACHHHHHHELLLL" as he finishes.
Cher: Eh, I’ll shove one of his socks in his mouth. It’s fine.
Courtney: And he's very rich but has a strong work ethic from his time selling newspapers on the New York City streets.
Rebecca: He's carrying the banner for us all.
Courtney: He's alone but he's not lonely
Rebecca: Marry BatBale, and then on your honeymoon go to.... SANTA FAAAAAAAYYYYYYY.
Cher: Um, Gloria Steinem would be by MIL so HI THAT ALONE IS WORTH IT.
Rebecca: Ooooh, get it.
Cher: STILL WOULD.
Round 3: TV Batmen — Adam West, Kevin Conroy (Batman: The Animated Series), Will Friedle (Batman Beyond)
Courtney: I’m marrying Will Friedle and my youthful dreams of marrying Eric Matthews will all come true.
Rebecca: I'm marrying Adam West so I can leave him for Eartha Kitt. And because how can you say no to the sexual allure of...THE BATUSI?
Courtney: He's trying to get rid of a bomb (in his pants).
Cher: Say what you will but West’s Bruce sure loved an ascot.
Rebecca: He’d provide such helpfully labelled sex toys. And don't the Bermuda shorts just SCREAM sexual dynamo?
Courtney: He's truly the most versatile Bat.
Rebecca: I can trust him to protect me from a shark. I get to hang with Julie Newmar. What's not to like?
Courtney: Can you picture Kilmer surfing in Battrunks? NO YOU CANNOT.
Cher: Apparently West was a party animal back in the day, so frak him.Marry Conroy because I loved ‘90s Batman cartoons. And kill the last one because IDK what else to do with him.
Rebecca: That's where I am with Friedle, too. No disrespect.
Courtney: I'm killing Adam West. And I'm very sorry about it. But I can promise that his death would be accompanied by a wacky sound effect.
Rebecca: Frak Conroy because the pillow talk's gonna be GOOD. Marry West. Kill Eric from Boy Meets World.
Courtney: Frakking Conroy, marrying Eric Matthews Terry Batman Man, killing West softly with Shark Repellent.
Rebecca: If I get to have a threesome with Eartha Kitt like James Dean and Paul Newman did that one time, it'll all be worth it. Now, this is for another FMK, but FMK with the Catwomen is TOUGH. Pfeiffer/Kitt/Hathaway? What do you do? And Newmar!
Courtney: I kill myself and let them live.
Rebecca: That’s the only reasonable answer, Courtney.
Wildcards Round: Batmanuel (The Tick), Ben Wyatt (Parks and Recreation), Prince from the "Batdance" video
Cher: FRAK PRINCE DUH. Marry Ben Wyatt because how do you NOT marry Ben Wyatt?
Rebecca: But does marrying Ben Wyatt in this scenario mean he and Leslie Knope have gotten a divorce? Or has President Leslie Knope legalized polyamorous marriage? Marry Prince because you get to frak him a LOT.
Cher: IDK Prince would want you to convert to become a Jehovah’s Witness and I can’t get down with that.
Rebecca: Hmmm, Cher, good point. I love Batmanuel, but I feel like he would be a bit…much.
Cher: Kill Batmanuel because I'm sorry but how does anyone think they’re getting frakked when Prince is the other option?
Courtney: Like OBVIOUSLY I WANT to frak Prince but what if I don't? Like what if he couldn't live up to the expectations of PRINCE SEX. Is he better left to the imagination?
Cher: I saw Prince at Madison Square Garden a few years ago and Let. Me. Tell. You. every woman in there was preggers after. And every man knew they were inadequate by comparison.
Rebecca: You have to shoot for the stars, Courtney. You can't have that chance and NOT take it.
Courtney: That's true. OK I'm frakking Prince. I will shoot for the stars.
Rebecca: Frak Prince, marry Ben, kill Batmanuel who is also the Mayor of Gotham, SORRY NESTOR CARBONELL
Courtney: You know what I can't believe I'm doing this but I think I'm killing Ben in his Batsuit. Because NESTOR.
Cher: You’re the one that has to live with yourself after killing Ben Wyatt.
Rebecca: Just look at that glimpse of chest hair.
Courtney: I want butterfly kisses from those lashes.
Rebecca: Courtney, if you want to deprive the world of Ben Wyatt's great tush, that's on you.
Courtney: I can't do it to Leslie, I just can’t. Plus he's in a weird place emotionally when he's in that suit.
Cher: Nestor is forever the Mayor of Gotham to me.
Courtney: He's about to be mayor of my pants.
Cher: Well on that note…