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Frak, Marry, Kill: Disney Prince edition

Contributed by
Sep 6, 2018

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about Jeff Goldblum's glorious visage being used to sell thrift store frames. For everyone else, game on!

In this edition, we get very real about some very imaginary men — the Disney princes who shaped our youthful thirsts with their swagger, heart, and oft-animated jawlines. Which prince reigns supreme — and which ones don't survive this decidedly un-Disneylike game?


round1prince

Round 1: Prince Charming from Cinderella, Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty, Prince Florian from Snow White

Rebecca: Oh lord, it's the Bland White Dude round.

Cher: Kill Prince Florian only because he weirdly reminds me of Prince Valium from Spaceballs. And Prince Valium sucked.

Rebecca: Can I kill all of them? Just run 'em through a meat grinder. THESE ARE ALL THE SAME MAN.

Courtney: I mean I feel like Prince Charming doesn't even have a face. He just has small holes.

Rebecca: Prince Charming is a potato of a man. And I like potatoes. So: F Philip, M Charming, K Florian.

Courtney: He's not Charming Potato though. TM Pajiba.

Rebecca: Magic Mike: Disney Prince edition.

Cher: I feel like Prince Charming would rather be with Prince Phillip. That’s the Disney love story I want to see.

Rebecca: Charming is dull but dependable. Phillip has good taste in clothes, and while that is attractive, I can't be married to anyone who's better-dressed than me. And K Florian, because my nethers will have nothing to do EVER with someone who's even vaguely associated with necrophilia.

Courtney: I guess marry Phillip and frak Flo because I like a good wakeup kiss from a man who don't mind that morning breath, kill Charming because he's nothing and I don't do foot stuff.

Rebecca: I could take the foot stuff. Florian and Philly both had some of that good, ol' fashioned Fairy Tale Consent Issues (TM) thing going on.

Cher: Richard Madden plays a live-action Prince Charming, and Robb Stark can GET.IT. So Marry him so I can frak him infinite number of times and I guess just booty call Prince Phillip.

Rebecca: That movie was SO GOOD and he was SO GOOD IN IT. Live-action Prince Charming RESPECTED his DAD. HE RESPECTED Cinderella's AUTONOMY.

Courtney: If we’re talking Richard Madden, then marry Prince Charming. Frak Prince Phillip. Bye Flo.

princephillip

Rebecca: Look at this hot, fashionable hunk o' man. he’d do that congratulatory fist pump after he frakked you. Every time. And the horse would be in the room and would nod at him approvingly.

Courtney: He has a good relationship with his horse and he teases Auro-ro and I'm into it. I'm into a RAPPORT. And then the godmothers would bake us a post-sex cake.

Rebecca: He seems like a hit it and quit it kinda dude for me. Not mad at it. I'll marry the sh*t out of Charming. That castle is great. You never have to see him if you don't want to.

Cher:

robb-stark


HULLO. He’s charming af alright.

Courtney: I'd invite him to my red wedding. I don't know what that means but I feel it.

Rebecca: OH-EYYYYYYYY. Plus, though I have never seen them, apparently Charming is goofy as frak in the animated Disney sequels. Jumps out of a window at one point. I stan a man who stans spontaneity.

Cher: Marry Charming fo sho, frak Phillip, and kill Valium aka Florian. You can’t have good sex with a dude named Florian. It’s the Nora Ephron rule.


round2princes

Round 2: Prince Naveen from Princess and the Frog, Prince Adam from Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin

Rebecca: DAMN YOU COURT.

Courtney: OK I am one hundo percent frakking the frak out of Prince Naveen. Frog or not, tbh.

Rebecca: Which Adam are we talking here, because that's CRUCIAL. Beast Adam, or his much less hot human incarnation?

Courtney: So I feel like we have the option here. Because I WOULD the Beast. Human Adam has a foot arch that makes me uncomfortable.

Cher: Whichever Adam you want.

Rebecca: Watching Beauty and the Beast and being disappointed when the beast turns back into a human is a universal experience.

Cher: This is a fact.

Rebecca: He's not as hot. I said it, I'm sorry.

Courtney: At all. And for that, I'm killing him and keeping his library.

Rebecca: Frak the Beast, in Beast form. But no strings, because he's a dick. Marry the everliving hell out of Naveen, because he is HOT and RESPECTFUL and close to a perfect Disney man. Kill Aladdin because the lack of nipples freaks me out, and you know if you had sex with him he'd want Abu to watch.

Cher: Aladdin’s basically a walking penis.

dTLeEO7

Rebecca: Aladdin's a f*ckboi. It is what it is. Then again, if you had sex with the Beast, the furniture would be watching.

Courtney: Genie might pop in and supply lubricants as needed though, that's helpful.

Cher: I’d Frak Beast because sh*t would get weird and I’m into it.

Rebecca: I'd want to do it once, just to SEE.

Courtney: I don't like shedding enough to get shed into my parts.

Cher: Marry Naveen because he’s a bae. And Kill Aladdin only because I'm uncomfortable with his treatment of Apu.

Courtney: Naveen can get it every which way.

naveen

Rebecca: Look at that rolled-up sleeves action. Look at how much he loves Tiana. I feel like he's into her more than any other Disney prince is into his princess. They are a MEETING of SOULS.

Courtney: HE EVEN WAITS TABLES. HE PLAYS THE UKELELE AND HE IS HANDY AND HE IS READY TO SERVE which means he's ready to SERVE

Rebecca: This is a no-brainer for me. Ranking the Disney princes by how good they are at oral is a whole different post. Beast. Fangs. Abort, abort, abort.

Courtney:  OK. Wildcard round. AND REMEMBER THEY ARE TECHNICALLY DISNEY AND TECHNICALLY PRINCES.


round3princes

Round 3: Thor, Kylo Ren, Loki

Cher: KILL LOKI.

Courtney: KILL LOKI AND HIS TOMMY WISEAU HAIRCUT.

Rebecca: C-c-c-COMBO BREAKER.

Cher: Frak Kylo who IS A PRINCE Because HIS MOM’S A PRINCESS.

Rebecca: KILL KYLO.

Courtney: Marry Thor for shor. Frak my swole wide bae Kylo.

Rebecca: Kylo has never smiled a day in his whole damn life. I need a sense of humor in the bed. Frak Loki. Marry Thor.

Courtney: He doesn't need to smile for my needs.

Rebecca: "Tell me... is EVERYTHING wide?"

Courtney: Saber me good, Kylo.

Cher: I wanna see just how powerful his force is.

Rebecca: Look, I get that Loki's a sh*tbird, but I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and say frakking him is not THAT bad an option. Plus Loki can do that thing where he makes multiples of himself.

Cher: Loki can only multiply himself, though. 

Courtney: There is no way Loki cares about getting anyone off except himself and I bet he makes weird sounds.

Rebecca: Kylo's a crysterbator. You know it to be true.

Cher: Whatever the tears serve a dual purpose.

Rebecca: .........that's DARK. Even for us!

loki

Cher: Yeah picture THAT on top of you. PASS.

Rebecca: Kylo's hotter than Loki. I do agree with you there.

Cher: All day every day.

Rebecca: On a purely physical level.

Courtney: I can't bang that male pattern widow's peak.

Rebecca: But holy wet blanket, Batman.

Cher: I can’t bang anyone who uses more hair product that I do.

Rebecca: OK, but Kylo uses like a whole can of space mousse every day.

Cher: Also, Loki would probs whine about how much better at everything his brother is.

Rebecca: And Kylo would whine about how his dad doesn't love him!

Courtney: Oh man he's CONSTANTLY going to be asking if he's bigger than Thor.

Cher: Like no one’s bigger than the god of thunder. COME ON NOW.

Rebecca: You know what, no. I'd F Kylo. And then halfway through I'd make him get off and tell him to go bring Han in instead. Just to frak with his head. Actually, I'm still F-ing Loki and killing Kylo. More sadboy space fascist for you guys. Actually, strike that, they're BOTH sadboy space fascists.

Cher: IDK that Kylo’s a fascist so much that he’s in the midst of an epic temper tantrum.

Rebecca: OK but he's literally the second-in-command of a space neo-nazi organization. Just sayin’.

Cher: Like I don't think he’s given that much thought to anything outside of how pissed he is at Luke.

Rebecca: He'd Force bootycall Rey mid-way, "Hey girl u up?"

Courtney: And tbh I'd be fine with it. I’ll watch and eat space popcorn.

Rebecca: You look over, and there's Force ghost Yoda.

Courtney: Hayden Christensen just nodding proudly.

Cher: I don’t wanna know what Yoda’s doing.

Rebecca: Kylo finishes in like two seconds. All to an epic John Williams score.

Courtney: Nah it's definitely to that "I'm sorrrry I can't be perfeeeeccctt" song.

Rebecca: Are we all marrying Thor? We are, right?

Cher: Pretty much. I think Thor’s man enough to handle three wives.

Rebecca: Imagine Loki and Kylo banging each other. It would be the world's saddest space porn.

Cher: Welp, there went my lady boner.

Courtney: So much crying.

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